Lucid Madness

I’m back on track - finally! I’ve been to Curves 2 times out of 2 possible times this week so far. YAY me!

I SO didn’t want to get up today. But, as usual, once I’m up, I feel so good!

Long ago, I agreed to disagree with my MIL. It’s just for the best. I’d recently begun to let my guard down - to think that perhaps she really did care and that she’d accepted me and finally wanted us to be happy.

I had asked her for some pictures of Cap - some kid pictures so that I could make a collage frame with pics from his childhood. I got them yesterday along with his baby book. Cap and I had fun going through the book and looking at all the pictures.

I called her today to ask her how to make the pork won-ton things that she makes and she asked about the pictures and I told her we had fun. She said - now I’ve given those to you in good faith. My heart sank. I said mm hm in a questioning tone and she said “…well this sounds bad…but if anything ever happens between you and *** [Cap] then please don’t tear them up. Just give them back to me.”

Umm…THANKS FOR THE VOTE OF CONFIDENCE!

Sometimes I wonder about her… Where does she come up with this stuff? I would never…how could she think I might? It bugs me…so needless to say - the guard is back up with MIL!

I’ve likely added back several of my lost inches. I love eating and the food choices in PDX were just too much! I had pasta several times. I think that was the worst of my trip - I think calorie-wise I did fine - I just did 3 larger meals instead of the 5-6 smaller ones that I’d been doing. I could tell a huge difference.

With the time change and working 6-6 everyday, I didn’t get arount to exercising. I would get to the hotel ~6pm, eat then go to bed around 8 - up at 4am-ish, to work at 6am-ish it was maddening. I had so much work and had a hard time getting to it with all the meetings I had to attend.

Anyway - I went to Curves just once last week - I totally slacked off. I spent the entire weekend last weekend in bed. It was fabulous, but it was BAD too!

Time to get back in the groove…I won’t let myself down.

Curves. Monday. 5:30am. It’s a promise!

I did it. I signed releases today. A Youth Services team is going to evaluate him (based on an assessment which was done this morning and home visit tomorrow). They will discuss and recommend a program for him which could have several elements.

Most important will be the piece that gets his grades back on track. Basically he will be given an amount of time to get his grades up to As/Bs. After that allotted time, he will become responsible to maintain these grades. Every week, for each class that he has lower than a B, he will be given 8 hours of community service. He could get 48 hours right now! They will also make him spend each day when there is no school at the program office and he will either work on school work or community service. That means no spring break. No weekends. It’s gonna kill him.

When they explained these things to us yesterday, the gentleman asked me what I wanted to do. I turned to B and almost asked him if we needed to do this but I stopped myself. It’s not his choice. He doesn’t know what he needs. I’m his mother and I believe in my heart that this is what he needs. The structure that I can’t give him. I hope this works. I hope that I’ve caught this early enough that he can have a completely successful high school career.

Oh - and his UA was clean. Not that I was worried about drugs…but yeah…it was a relief to have it confirmed.

B told the case worker that did his assessment that he’d like to get into boxing. There is a gentleman at the YS office that has a boxing thing for at-risk kids. B is going to go down there tonight and check it out. I think that would be incredible! Perhaps just the outlet he needs.

I just made one of the most difficult calls I’ve ever had to make. I could barely talk to the gentleman because I began crying. I called Youth Services to find out what my options are with B. I cannot live like we have been. I think that B is hoping to drive Cap away - but (much to B’s dismay) Cap’s not going anywhere…
B’s moody. He’s a teenager - I expect that a bit. But he can be so hateful. It’s espicially not fair to Miss T or my nephew, C.

He’s reckless. He breaks nearly everything he touches. He broke our brand new glass/chrome coffee table. He destroyed the $70 MP3 player we got him for christmas. He dismantled the DVD/CD/Radio/stereo system that we got him year before. He broke his video gaming chair. There are so many other things - those are just some high dollar things. He’ll sit down at the kitchen table, pick up a pencil and just break it. He’ll get sugar for his cereal and leave sugar all over the table or counter. He’ll take a bath and knock over a bottle of body wash or shampoo and just leave it so that it leaks all over the rug.

He’s disrespectful. Again - he’s a teenager so I expect him to assert his independance a bit - but it’s getting worse. Some of it I believe he says simply for effect - trying to push buttons - so I ignore it. I don’t let him sucker me into his war of words. If I ask him to take the trash out, and he gets lippy I usually just say - “okay B now take the trash out” and he does it. I try to keep my mind on the task at hand and not get side-tracked into a whole other argument about that. I suppose though that he really shouldn’t be getting lippy at all. He shouldn’t be trying to push my buttons.

He’s failing all but 1 class and he failed 3 last semester. He does fine on tests, but can’t seem to get work turned in. And if there is a big project worth a lot of points - forget it. He can’t seem to focus long enough to finish the project AND turn it in. I’m at a loss as to what to do. I can’t go to each class with him. He won’t carry a packpack and looses binders.

I’ve been monitoring his conversations on the internet and his browsing. He says raunchy things - most disturbing though is this new gal he’s seeing - she took pictures of her bare belly and send them to B - she had a bra and pajama bottoms on. But come on…what’s next? I’ll be informing her parents…

Anyway - so I’m going to surprise B with a meetin tomorrow with “Jeff”. We’ll see what comes of it. I will be making a list tonight as not to forget anything…the above is only a start.
Like I told the guy on the phone - he’s not all that bad - to my knowledge there’s been no drugs, no alcohol, no smoking, no sex….but how long can that last? And quite frankly I feel like I’m losing him.

I hate this - but it’s somehting I must do. If I could afford it, I would send him away - but starting at 2k a month - there’s no way…we’ll see what they have to offer and go on from there.

After fawning over those cute kids at the airport and reminiscing about Cap’s proposal and longing to see what Miss T had been up to, the day totally went downhill. The flight to DEN was good - I got upgrade from row 15 window to row 6 aisle. That was nice. We got into DEN early - GREAT - I thought I’d take my time (instead of running from one gate to the next) and just mosey down to my gate, sit, relax, do a little people watching, call the family, etc…

The captain then got on the PA (never a good thing after he’s already given his schpeel about the temp and his ‘welcome to Denver’) and informed us that we were waiting on our gate - they were just waiting for the other plane to ‘push out’. After 15 minutes he came back on and informed us that the other plane was having trouble and that they were trying to find us another gate. How long could that take? Apparently 30 minutes because about 50 minutes after landing we finally got off the plane. Now I only had a 45 minute window to catch my connecting flight as it was…getting in early helped…

I hauled ass. I don’t know that I’ve ever walked so fast in the airport before. Running was out of the question with all the garb I had with me - so it was a very fast walk. My shins (of all things) burned like hell. The flight out of DEN on the little turbo prop is always boarded from the very last gate - all the way at the end of a very long hallway which is found by descending from the main level. Once to the end of the hallway you exit onto the active tarmac and board.

As I was headed down the hallway - I happened to hear a girl say ‘let’s go ahead and close Garden City’. I slowed my pace and questioned - “Garden City?” and she said yes - we didn’t think you’d made it. I said - is it too late? And she radioed to the ground crew that they had one more coming. YAY! I wanted to be home - NOT sitting in DEN all day long!

So - I finally get on the plane - and I’m sure everyone on the plane despised me. I was their delay! The pilot does his thing and the right engine won’t start! ARG! Apparently, it needed a jump start - they said the battery was low and now we had to wait on the jumper truck (or whatever it was). Needless to say - the plane finally got started, in the air AND back to GC. Ove 30 minutes late - but we got there. When I got inside I told Cap tha I’d be surprised if my luggage made it onto the flight. I was right - no luggage. I filled out the paperwork and headed into town for lunch.

What a day. I logged into work - but decided to spend the rest of the day relaxing. My day started good…got a little ‘hairy’…and now it’s all good again. Home with my Cap, my kids and my bubble bath - which is exactly where I’m heading right now…

I’m in the PDX airport after a week at the office. It was my quarterly trip. It went so fast this time. Each day was filled with meetings. I’m happy to be going home so I can get some work done.

Sitting here at my gate and there are the cutest kids – a brother and sister probably 4 and 6 years old respectively. You can tell that this is their first flight (at least that they remember). Aside from being their first flight – you can tell that they’d never even been down near the gates. Having been born in this day and age when only ticketed passengers are allowed to the gates I can understand their amazement. I spent many hours at airport gates awaiting family. But, I digress… As they approached the window, eyes wide in amazement at being so close to that plane, their eyes suddenly turned to concern as the little boy shouted – “Oh no – there’s something weird on the plane”. He couldn’t figure out what the growth was – he’d certainly never seen such a plane before. Of course it was just the jetway - but he was so worried!

It just makes me miss my Miss T all the more…the things I might be missing while I’m away, the hugs goodnight, even the endless chatter. I’m happy to be going home.

I miss my Cap too. We spent Valentines day apart – I left little gifts for him and the kids and made sure that Miss T was able to pick something out for Grandma and Grandpa. Valentine’s Day is always extra-special for Cap and I as he proposed to me the day before Valentine’s day in 2000. I was miserable at the time – very tired and such. Shortly after I learned I was pregnant with Miss T.

It wasn’t done romantically, not the big public display like I’d imagined as a child, but it was done and I’d never been happier. I’d been proposed to before by prior beaus, but nothing ever felt so right as Cap. He was home to me. I feel at peace and safe with him. He is not what I dreamed of when I was younger – he is more. He’s the important stuff.

I love him more than I can ever express.

Boarding time…

What color is most reflective of you?
I guess I see myself as earthy…greens and browns. Dependable, goes-with-everything…

How did you get the idea for your journal/blog name?
I am SO used to the craziness in my life that it’s almost calming for me. Crazy Calmness, Calm Craziness, Lucid Madness. Two extremes…

What time were you born?
I believe it was around 8am-ish. And only by c-section after 27 hours of labor and my mom nearly dying. It’s okay - I was paid back with my daughter - a c-section after 35 hours!

What song are you playing now (or wish you were playing)?
No right now…but I’ve become a big fan of “Believe” by Brooks and Dunn. It sort of fits where I am religiously right now…

I raise my hands, bow my head
I’m finding more and more truth in the words
written in red
They tell me that there’s more to life than just
what i can see
Oh I believe

Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
No - but when I was little my friend and I used to see if we could make ourselves cry so we could be actresses someday. I could make myself cry by thinking about the fact that Elvis was dead (I loved Elvis).

What color underwear are you wearing?
White granny panties - unfortunately that’s the most comfortable to exercise in…

Do you want a baby?
I’ve had mine already. Even if I wanted another I can’t - the induced menopause from my cancer treatment has left me with non-functioning ovaries.

What does your dad do for a living?
He works for the Kansas Department of Transportation

What does your mom do for a living?
My mom has passed - but while she was here, she was a CNA, then a day-care provider for 20 years and then she went back to school and got her RN. She worked at a clinic giving immunizations until the ALS stole the strength in her hands.

What is your pet’s name?
Bitsy Boo (schnauzer mix)

What color are your bedsheets?
White with little back squares here and there. I hate them. We have a waterbed, and it’s nearly impossible to find sheets for a waterbed these days that don’t cost a fortune!

What was the last concert you attended?
First and last concert I went to was Garth Brooks - back in the day.

Who was with you?
Mom, sister and my boyfriend at the time.

What was the last movie you saw?
At the theater it was Passion of the Christ. I’m not a movie goer. At home the last I saw was Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I liked them both.

Who do you dislike most at this moment?
I guess that would be my grandmother. Knowing more and more about how she treated my mom and others… Enough said.

Did you dream last night?
Yes - I had strange dreams last night. My son was in jail for being bad. We were meeting with some people - like a psychologist or something and B and I figured out something about these people and we had to inject them with this stuff and then run away. It was all very odd and while I remember bits and pieces, I don’t remember enough to make a story of it.

What was the last TV show you watched?
Dharma and Greg - it happened to come on yesterday while I was working…

What is your fave piece of jewelery?
I don’t really do jewelry - but if I had to pick from the few pieces I have, it would be my ‘mother ring’. Cap got it for me for mother’s day a few years ago and it has both birthstones of my kids.

What is to the left of you?
A bunch of empty space until you hit the wall.

What is the last thing you ate?
A breakfast burrito from Sonic. Yum!

Write a song lyric that’s in your head:”
“I am a modern man - secret secret I got a secret”

Who last IMed you?
A coworker and friend about a project I was working on.

Where is your significant other right now?
In the next room - In bed…it is still before noon…

Do you have a crush?
On that man in the next room…the same crush I’ve had for 11 years now.

What shampoo do you use?
Garnier Fructis. I have to. I have this incredibly dry, curly hair. GF is the only thing that does it any good at all. Most shampoos strip too much natural oil from my hair. When you don’t have a lot - you need to keep it all.

What shirt are you wearing?
A t-shirt that my in-laws brought me back from Alaska.

What is your favorite frozen treat?
A Peanut Buster Parfait from Dairy Queen. Yummy!

Are you sexy?
I’ve never considered myself “sexy”

What’s your favorite shopping store?
Given the choices in this town…I’ve gotta go with Target. But even if we had a mall and cool shops, I think that Target would still be my favorite.

Can you imagine yourself ever getting married?
I consider myself married. Cap and I have been together for a long time - just never spent the money on a ceremony or license. In Kansas we are considered to be ‘common-law’ married.

That’s right. 10 inches! I LOST 10 inches! I’m so happy! I was worried since I had lost only 2 pounds in the last month. It’s good to know that something is changing! The biggest loss was from my thighs - 3 inches and from my waist - 2.5 inches.

I think that the exercise has definitely helped me to relieve some stress. That and the fact that I moved a little further along in the grieving process. It really is all coming together…

I have a challenge ahead of me though. I’m going to PDX tomorrow for 4 nights. There are fabulous places to eat in Portland. It doesn’t help that Old Spaghetti Factory is just a block down the road from my work. It’s so easy to stop in on the way to the hotel… My hotel has a microwave and fridge this time so I can actually keep some bottled water on-hand and can save leftovers.

I plan to shop a bit today and pick up some protien bars to take along with me so I can continue my every 2.5 to 3 hours snack. I think that’s really helped to rev my metabolism. I actually feel hunger pangs - something I haven’t felt for a long time. It’s good to feel those pangs - it means your body is burning fat (or os I’ve been told).

So…I know I won’t be perfect…but at least I have a plan that *should* help.

I lost 2 pounds and 10 inches!!!
WooHOOOO!

When someone dies do all of the pictures of them suddenly become fuzzy and/or grainy?

It seems that whenever I see a picture of a missing or dead person on the news or in a magazine or or newspaper, their picture seems grainy. The pictures never seem to be crisp, clear and sharp.

I just scanned in a picture of Mom and S - the one that is to go on the vase between their headstones. It’s grainy. Seems like all pictures of those deceased seem to be grainy…

Is it my imagination? An other-worldly phenomenon? Just natural deterioration as pictures are transformed from paper to digital? Just seems odd…and it’s frustrating.

Anyway - the pic is ready to go down to the monument place - I’ll drop it off tomorrow. The one I took down there before had a Bud Light neon sign in the background…had to crop it out. Mom would have turned over in her grave had we published the pic with that sign in the background!