Lucid Madness

I’ve got a lot of writing I need to do. I am a wreck. I’ve cried every day this week. I really need to step back, take a deep breath and re-establish my truth. It’s chaotic right now…I feel completely out of control. I feel like I’m doing for everyone else and ignoring my own needs. It has to stop. It has to.

Yesterday I was ready to ship him off. I didn’t want him anymore. That is the worst feeling - to not want your child around. I was a wreck yesterday. He is a good kid - he just doesn’t think. He’s impulsive. He’s been through so much - an absent father, a selfish teenage mother who didn’t always do right by him when he was little, a grandfather who abandoned him, a grandmother (who was like a 2nd mom to him for a long time) who died and a mother fighting cancer. He’s got a step-dad who loves him and wants him to be something that he’s not capable of being right now. He’s got a little sister that has a mom AND a dad AND grandparents who love and spoil her. I always love him, but sometimes I find it hard to like him, and I hate that. Cap is hard on him and that’s fine - he does it because he wants him to grow into a responsible young man - but B just doesn’t seem to have it him right now.

He’s got a lot to deal with - and I’m trying to help but he won’t talk to me. We are continuing to work with Youth Services on his grades and behavior. We have an appointment next week at a Mental Health Center to see what they say. I really think he needs some drugs for depression, ADHD or whatever it is. There is something definitely wrong with him that he can’t control. They may recommend some intense counseling like at a behavioral hospital or something. I don’t know but I am starting there.

I have looked at Military schools and boarding schools, but I think that would just make him feel more unloved - like he was being pushed away like we didn’t want him, when now is when we should be pulling him near. I really think that mental services are the key.

Apparently on Friday night, when I wouldn’t give him a ride, he decided that it would be okay to take Cap’s and Miss T’s bicycles. I would have been less pissed off if he’d brought them back, but on Tuesday when we realized they were missing, it had already snowed ~12 inches or so and Cap’s bike is a high dollar bike (like over a grand). B said the bikes were at M’s house so we sent him walking over to go get them. While he was walking over to get the bikes, I called M and he only had one of the bikes. So I called the other boy, D, and asked him about the situation. I told him that I’d probably be calling the cops. I warned him to NEVER take anything from my property without checking with me. I told him I ddin’t care what B told him. To my relief, B showed up with the bikes and told me he got them from M’s house. I confessed that I had called M and that I knew that’s not where they were and he said oh - well they were at some other guys house - I forgot. Whatever. I was relieve the bikes were back (especially Cap’s) but I was still pissed that he had taken them. I explained to him that it was stealing. He doesn’t get that (or so he says). I grounded him for a week and told him he’d be paying for any repairs needed. He said no - I’m not going to be grounded. I told him he could take my punishment or I could call the police and he could take their punishment. I told him I was tired of this crap and that maybe the calling the law was exactly what needed to happen.

He finally agreed to his punishment, but not before he got a razor blade and put two cuts on his arm. He cut once before “just experimenting”. I think though that this is his new outlet. When he was younger he used to hold his breath until he actually got little red pin point dots on his face. He only did that a couple of times when he was REALLY angry. Now apparently he cuts instead. I’ve read about cutting - I think it is his way of releasing hurt and anger.

So - we have a lot to talk about at our appointment. I’ve been making a list of things to tell the psychologist/psychiatrist about so I don’t forget or leave anything out.

I asked Mom yesterday to watch over him and to keep him safe until we can get him the help he needs. I hope she was listening…

233! I can’t believe I’m actually losing! Eating less, not feeling ravenous in early evening. No jitters, no headache. Plenty of water. I’m liking this…

It’s quiet here. Miss T and B are both spending the night away from home. One would think that Cap and I would relish this time. Cap’s out shopping, I’m blogging and as soon as the groceries are home and put away it will be bedtime for this bonzo.

It’s supposed to snow tonight. They are predicting 7-11 inches by the end of the day tomorrow. I would LOVE it. I miss the good snowstorms we used to have. I figure that since I want it so bad it won’t happen - just like the other times they predicted snow this winter. We’ll see though.

It’s spring break so the kids will be here all week while I’m trying to work. I’m not looking forward to it…I HATE being interupted. It seems I have more trouble these days staying focused on the task at hand.

B and I have a meeting with a psychologist tomorrow - an initial assessment. I’m ready to get this boy under control. Bring on the drugs!

Caps home - more tomorrow…

So - Thursday was my first day…today is my 4th. I’ve lost 3 pounds.

Not great but not bad. I don’t get the cravings that typically plague me. I just get hungry and know I need to eat. So - I eat something - and I’m trying to make good choices. Since I don’t have the cravings, I don’t stuff myself. I also found that I eat much slower. Typically I eat so fast that I have to remember to breath.

My regular routine usually consists of bouncing back and forth between sweet and salty. Never knowing what I want - craving one and then the other. A vicious circle. When I do eat, I often find myself literally shoveling food into my mouth as fast as I can. Like I can’t control myself. If nothing else, the Phentermine has so far given me control.

So - good changes are occurring. I’m eating slower. I’m not craving and binging. I hope that this can continue.

Thursday - didn’t feel any different
Friday - dizzy, headache most of day, I don’t think I got enough calories
Saturday - felt good - no dizzy, no headache, decreased appetite, ate slower
Sunday - felt good, no dizzy, slight headache after eating tuna casserole, went away after eating protien

What I’ve learned so far:

1. Make sure I eat enough calories
2. Make sure I eat protien at each meal
3. Try to steer clear of bad carbs

There is so much going on. Where to start…?

Sis - nothing new to report on the battery and disorderly charges. Her lawyers are ‘handling it’.

Miss T - continues to be oblivious to the chaos around here.

Cap got the sprinkler system fixed - just in time for rainy days and cold temps.

The chaos is diminishing day by day…can it last?

B spent the last 4 days at home with me. Egads! I love the boy - but damn - he drives me absolutely insane! He is constantly on the move, constantly chattering, making noises, and ALWAYS chewing on something - whatever he happens to have within reach. Headphone wires, paper, pencils. Something is wrong with the boy. I really hope they can give him some drugs or something. I get so tired watching him bounce around, over and through the house.

B was able to finish his term paper for English while he was at home. He also spent time working with my sis. She needed a lot of filing done so we put him to work. It got him away from me, it gets him some experience working and earns him some money too. He’s even going to work tomorrow!

I’m so glad this week is over and that this month is almost over. I don’t think I can take another one like this…

I’m still here, still at 238. I haven’t gone to Curves in 2 weeks. I’m bad! I’m going tomorrow. My sleep schedule has been all screwed up since I got back from PDX. I’ve been taking Tylenol PM at night to help me get to sleep earlier. I’m not sure what’s with the sleep issues. Not sure if it’s just that I’m still adjusting after PDX or what. Its not like I lay there worrying or fretting. I just cannot get to sleep.

So - I broke down and decided to try Phentermine. I just feel like I need a boost with all I have against me. I hope it can help me to curb my appetite until I can get in the habit of smaller portion sizes. I figure if I don’t have all the cravings to deal with that I maybe have a chance.

Who knows. Maybe I’m just kidding myself. Maybe this is just another vain attempt.

Yesterday was the first day. I didn’t feel any different at all. None of the side effects I’d been warned about. I’m ramping up at the advice of my doc. 1/2 pill in AM this week. Next week if all goes well I will move to 1/2 in AM and 1/2 in afternoon. Today I’m feeling the effects. I have a slight headache (not painful, just there), and a little dizzyness. I’m good though. I haven’t gotten that rush of energy per se, but I am a little more focused on the task at hand.

We’ll see…

I’ve decided that March is just going to be full of drama. I’m not amused at all by the state of my life right now. I absolutely feel out of control. I’m feeling like a failure because I can’t make it all better and I think I should be able to…

Quickly…

B has been suspended out of school for 4 days. He had an altercation with a teacher which I will detail later. He’s written a statement, is filing a formal complaint against the guy and we’re meeting with the principal in 30 minutes.

Miss T is just wonderful as usual. She’s oblivious to the chaos.

Sis had a lawyer call her and want to help her on her sitution. WOW. He wrote a letter for her and we’ve not heard anything else.

It’s windy as hell here for the 2nd day in a row. I hate wind.

Cap still doesn’t have the sprinkler system working. We’re waiting on The Home Depot again - I hope they’re quicker with this than with the oven drawer.

So sis has shown around this letter from the hard-assed attorney. As it turns out, it’s being labeled extortion due to its threatening nature and it’s been recommended to her to provide a copy to the ABA (American Bar Association).

Wow…talk about DrAmA. And this is basically ‘just another day’ in sis’s life. Amazing.

We’ll watch and see where it goes from here.

Here’s a bit of the madness I refer to in the blog title…

The parking at my nephew’s school is horrendous. There are way too many kids, parents, cars, etc. It’s definitely a test in patience and tolerance. People are stupid. People don’t pay attention. It’s bad. When we lived in Oregon, there was bussing available for students more than a mile from the school. This was great - there wasn’t such a rush of cars on the school at 3:30. It was much nicer.

It wouldn’t be so bad up there if they had some kind of system - like north side of the street for drive by pick ups - stay in line, no parking, etc. and south side for parent who can or wish to park, get out, etc. And NEVER EVER any stopping in the middle of the street. But it’s just a free-for-all. It’s a mess. I’m surprised no one’s been hurt.

So anyway - my sis was pulling in and the lady to the rear decided to pull up so sis couldn’t get in. My sis is dramatic, sassy, tells it like it is, never backs down and isn’t intimidated by anyone. So her and this woman get into an arguing/shouting match. The school officials ask them to take it off school grounds - they depart and go on about their days. Soon after, sis is pulled over and given a ticket for disorderly conduct. Fine. She figures they are both at fault, both acted stupidly, and both got a ticket. She’s prepared to pay the fine and forget about it. Her son is switching to a private Christian school anyway. She won’t have to deal with the after-school mess at the public school much longer.

That night, the police arrive at her home and serve her a ticket for battery. Saying that it was reported that she grabbed a little girl and placed the little girl in-between herself and this other woman. Sis accepts the ticket, but contacts a lawyer the next morning in order to fight the charge since there was no little girl there. She even verified with teachers and the principal who wrote statements about the incident and they all confirm that they saw no little girl near the two arguing women.

The first thing that sis discovers is that the first woman - the one she argued with didn’t get a ticket for disorderly - because sis didn’t happen to be there when the police responded to the incident and the other woman was. So she files a citizen’s complaint and the woman gets the DC ticket.

Yesterday, sis received a letter from an attorney stating that they have witnesses that she “grabbed M*****” [the girl] and that she had to “wrench herself away” from my sis. The letter went on to say that the little girl is having nightmares and that they have recently discovered that my sis has been attempting to find the identity of the girls brother for an “unknown purpose”. WTF??? OMG!!! My sis works from 8am - 5pm, takes college classes from 5 to 6 and online and barely spends time with her own son due to being so busy withh school, work and homework. There’s no way that she would have time to do something like this. I can vouch for that. Furthermore, my sis may have a temper and may be very crass at times, but she loves kids, enjoys kids and would NEVER do anything to put a child in harms way or hurt a child by her own hand. The letter went on to demand $5k within 10 days so that they could get this girl the counseling she so desperately needed due ot he incident. The letter said that if she did not comply that they would be filing suit against her and would seek a restraining order.

When sis got the letter yesterday, she lost it. She had an anxiety attack. She called me and I had trouble understanding her. She was hyperventilating and had trouble breathing. I was trying to decypher her sobbing when I heard the word “oxygen”. Okay I said I’m calling for an abulance. I called 911, sent them to her house then headed up there myself. The medics and an officer were there by the time I arrived. they were still trying to calm her, they had her breathing into a paper bag, and were trying to get her to take a deep breath and calm herself. Her hands were numb and tingling, they had her on the EKG machine.

The officer and I talked her down, she was finally calm enough that the paramedics felt it was safe for them to go. The cop and I continued to explain to her that this bastard attorney was just ‘flexing his muscles’ and simply trying to intimidate her into paying. I told her she didn’t owe them shit and that nothing would happen right now. She just needed to take the letter to her attorney and let her deal with the bastard. Sis doesn’t back down and she’s going to fight this and when the truth comes out all will be well.

Part of me wants to say to my sis - “…if you’d only keep your mouth shut and mind your own business like I do…” that she wouldn’t be going through all this. But that’s not what she needs right now and that’s not who she is. Hopefully she will learn the lessons that she is supposed to through this experience.

There is a reason all of this is happening…we just don’t know why yet.