Lucid Madness

My Grandmother is feeling really down - I can’t blame her. She’s had to bury 4 of her 5 children. She’s had open heart surgery, knee replacement, massectomy and this Friday, she will go in for a 2nd massectomy. On top of all of her own health problems, she lost 1 of her 2 remaining sisters today (her brothers are all gone already). My Grandfather is quietly hanging on. He’s also had open heart surgery and is currently dealing with macular degeneration, cataracts, a hernia and my grandmother.

I wish I could fix it all for them…but I guess it’s all part of them getting older and me growing up. With my own mother gone, I’m probably dealing with them and their problems more than I would have otherwise. Mom always interacted with them and passed on news and info to us. Now we’re interacting directly and I can’t help but feel like a surrogate child to them… Given their only surviving child doesn’t have a lot of contact with them, I feel sort of obligated.

Don’t get me wrong, I love them of course - but it does feel odd. Perhaps we’re each filling a gap for the other - myself parents and them a child.

So - the great aunt that died - “Dusty”. She was an incredible lady and her husband is an incredible man. Together they were an incredible couple. They have always been so loving and caring and in-love and flirty. You could tell that after their 50+ years together, that they still had the same love, desire and adoration for one another that they had when they met. They were always so UNLIKE any other of my grandmother’s siblings. They were perfect. I always secretly wanted what they had - once I realized how special their relationship was. I like to think that Cap and I will be that way when we’re old - he’ll still be flirty and funny and will love me and tell me so. And I’ll roll my eyes at his silly, inappropriate jokes and admitions about our sex life! I can only hope we will have just a touch of the happiness that they’ve had.

I’m also a little sad because she made wedding cakes all her life. When I was little, and I dreamed about my wedding, it wasn’t the dress or the groom or the guests. You know what was at the center of my wedding dreams? It was the cake that she’d make. When we’d go to her house, I would spend hours looking through her catalogs and books and magzines all containing cake designs. I dreamt up intricate designs that I knew she could make look even more fabulous than in my dreams. So - I’m (selfishly) a little sad that she’ll never get to make that cake for me…at the same time, I’m (selfishly) a little glad that she’s there with Mom - that Mom was there to meet her.

My appointments went well. Everything ‘looked and felt fine’ according to my oncologists. Considering each did a pelvic exam - I’m not sure how I feel about their commetns.

Seriously though - I’m happy that they didn’t find anything that seemed abnormal. Of course I have to wait for the pap results to come back (Karen will call sometime this week). If that’s normal - then I’m good for another 4 to 6 months. The GYN/ONC wanted to see me back in 4 mos. and the RAD/ONC wanted me back in 6 mos. If the pap comes back normal, I’m going to shoot for early in the 6th month for my next appointment. That would put me heading back in late November/early December which would be my 2 year anniversary of end of treatments.

Wow - 2 years. 24 months. I can’t believe where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. I absolutely thought I was doomed. I feared leaving my son with no one. I feared not getting to watch Miss T grow up. I feared so much. But now - just one and a half years later, I have so much to be grateful for. I am here for my son and my daughter. I am happy to be alive and live a different life. It’s so easy to slip back into old habits - like taking people and things for granted. So - I try. That’s all I can do.

I’m feeling so much more upbeat than I was just a short week ago. It’s amazing what a simple confirmation can do. I feel lighter, and I feel more positive about life. I’ve come to realize lately that I’ve pushed Cap away (or tried to) for some time now. I think that I was afraid to love him if I’d only have to leave him. But I’m feeling better about that - I’m thinking that it’s possible I’ll be around for many years yet and that we can grow old together - just like we’d planned. For the last two year though, I didn’t want him to love me anymore. I didn’t want to hurt him by dying. I also felt that I’d let him down - he took a risk letting me back into his heart and his life and I didn’t want to betray him. I didn’t want hugs from him, no kisses, no sex, nothing. I feel myself turning that around now. I feel like I can get close to him again - and it’s incredible!

As for my grandmother, she is having a 2nd massectomy this coming Friday, June 2. We’ll all be there for her and for Grandpa. I haven’t heard anything about the ‘cousin’ with cervical cancer - I need to call her Grandmother I guess and see how she is.

So yesterday was a horrible day. I don’t know what was wrong with me but I was very unhappy about a lot of things. I cried, I sobbed, I felt sorry for myself. I reached out to MIL for some reason - I think it was hoping that she’d open her big mouth to the right people and maybe I’d see a change. I also think that I miss having my mom to talk to…yesterday was definitely a Mom kind of day…

I wrote this after some chit chatty back and forth emails…

yes…grandpa does seem grumpy all the time lately - like he doesn’t
particularly like certain ones of us or being around anyone but [Miss T]
for that matter… like he’s just tolerating some of us because
he HAS to. I hope this isn’t all due to [Cap]’s UPS job… I
hope he understands that we looked for a job that would have as little
impact as possible on him. Maybe it has nothing to do with that job…I
don’t know.

I know he doesn’t like C [nephew] and sometimes Cap and I
don’t either, but he is just a kid after all and he doesn’t have much.
He’s in the same boat as B - a selfish, young mother, no dad, no
grandpa, no grandma, no males that will take the time and try to teach them how
to be a boy, how to be a man - they all just criticize and tease them
and laugh at them. It’s pretty sad - sometimes I cry for
them. No one HAS to talk to them or play with them or even be nice to
them…it’s not their responsibility to teach them, but I try to get [Cap] to
think of it as charity - as community service - but he does’t care. He has
more fun teasing and complaining. I know where K [sis] is coming from
too. It’s hard being the ONE person in the child’s life - the one that has
to play, teach, clean, love, hate, discipline, hug, comfort, etc. all in
one day.

I screwed up B and I struggle now for it…but C
has a chance…and I would love for us to be the people that make him
realize that. It won’t happen though - not with the all the bad attitudes
and closed minds around here.

Maybe I’m the screwy one - maybe my
tendancy to take care of everyone is getting the better of me
again…

Sorry to ramble…guess I needed to get that out…Can you
tell I’m a little frustrated with life in-general? May has just been one
of those months…nothing is happening that should…I think I’m also a little
out of sorts with the anniversary of mom’s death coming up. B and I go
to court on that day for his truancy. That should be a fabulous day.

I got this reply:

You need to stop blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong.
Have you never heard kids from great families with all kinds of support, money,
and what not. And they still have problems. Big problems.Well, that’s life and
kids.

Sometimes there problems and we just have to deal with them as good as
we can. Stop beating yourself up..

Maybe,,,,, that is what [Cap] is seeing and that is what upsets him with
B.. (what it is doing to you) Try your best to JUST go with the flow, TRY to
teach him right and wrong. And love them.That’s about all you can do. Everything
that happens in that house is NOT your fault! So stop it! Right
now!

Then I replied:

okay…okay… it’s just hard being in the middle of
everyone…it hurts sometimes.

B and [Cap] think it’s all between them - but it kills me when
[Cap] tells me what a bad kid B is, that he thinks he’s stupid and a
brat. I guess he thinks I don’t know that. I tried to tell him - how
would he feel if someone said that stuff about T …he doesn’t get it
though. I want to make it better, and I try, but it won’t happen
overnight. [Cap] expects everyone to behave perfectly all the time.
Sometimes I forget though - it’s like trying to break a habit. I know what
I should do, but sometimes I just do what is comfortable - what I’m used to
doing without thinking. The hard part is that I love them both.


It also makes me sad when [Cap] and [grandpa] talk crap about B and
C. It hurts because I love them all. I guess they think I don’t
see the looks, the eye rolling and such…but I do and it hurts. Last
night C broke a candle holder - complete accident and he was crying before
we even got downstairs. I was trying to assure him that he wasn’t in
trouble that I knew it was an accident and all [Cap] could do was tease him about
it. All C needed was to know that it was okay and [Cap] couldn’t say
those two simple words.

I want to find a boarding school for B because he is labeled in
this town and there is nowhere else for him to go. Labeled by [Cap], labeled
by the school system and the teachers and the deans. B has earned the
label - yes - but I think if he were to go back to GCHS next year that all the
teachers and such would make assumptions and not give him a chance to change or
to prove himself. Just like [Cap] does - he never sees the little bit of
good and/or gives B kudos for it - instead he only sees the
bad. When I talked to [Cap] about the fact that B is now going to
have to deal with that label - he basically said yea - so what - he did it to
himself. So - I’m left to deal with it alone…

Oh boy…am I on a roll today…guess I got up on the wrong side of the
bed! Either that or I’ve hit my limit already this
week…

Then she said that I was really “taking this hard” and that maybe we should have our ‘girls night out’. I declined since I’d already planned to make tacos for sis since Cap was tutoring her last night.

I don’t believe that I’m just ‘taking it hard’. Doesn’t that imply that I’m over-reacting? Like I should just learn to deal with it all? I’m just tired of all this crap!

I feel better today. Not much - but a little. I’m still whiny and bitchy and being really short with Cap. Tomorrow’s gonna be better. I just know it.

Hard to believe that it’s been so long since my last post here. I’m doing well so far as I know. I was supposed to be back in Denver for rechecks in April. I never got around to scheduling and then I got busy with work and didn’t want to spare the time.

I finally made my appointments today. I’m going to Denver on Friday morning. One appointment with the gynecological oncologist and one with the radiation oncologist. So I’ll get a pap and a simple consultation. I hate going. I’ve done good though about going on schedule until now…not sure why. Maybe because I hit the 1 year mark and relaxed a little. I don’t know.

What I do know is that there have been so many ’signs’ lately for me to get my ass in for a check up. First Cap’s uncle died of pancreatic cancer. It was quick once he was diagnosed. There wasn’t much time for them to do anything for him. Next my grandmother found a lump on her remaining breast. She had a mastectomy a couple of years ago. She just went to the doctor last week and the news wasn’t good. She has an appointment this Wednesday to find out more. Then I found out that my mom’s aunt’s granddaughter (let’s just call her my cousin) has cervical cancer. Apparently she went in for hysterectomy and some cells escaped and so now she is going through heavy duty chemo. I found out that an ex-neighbor’s dog had cancer and died a few months ago. There are a couple of other things…I can’t remember right now. When I think of them I’ll add them.

It’s been odd the last week - it was like I was forgetting what I’d been through and needed to be reminded. It’s amazing to me the signs that are there if we need them.

I think sis is going to go to Denver with me this time. I’m going to leave Cap home to work. It will be nice for sis and I to spend some time together - being sisters - having fun. I’ll still be scared to death - just like I am for every appointment, but no matter the outcome I will deal with it.

I still hate going to the Doctor. But hating the doctor and not going to the doctor is what’s gotten me to where I am today. GIRLS: Go to the gynecologist. Get your paps regularly. I never realized that paps were screening for cancer. I just thought they screened for infection and for STDs. If I had known would it have changed my behavior? I honestly do not know.

Pray for my grandmother.

Pray for my ‘cousin’.

Pray for me.

No decision made yet. Well, I’ve made the decision that he’s going (assuming the financial aide comes through) - but I haven’t yet had that epiphany that convinces me I’m doing the right thing. I told B that I wanted to talk to him about the next school year - sometime when he feels like talking and listening. I really want B to see this as an opportunity and not a punishment. I want him to understand the label he’ll be going into next year with. I want him to understand everything that boarding school has to offer.

I know people that went to boarding school and they believe that it was the best thing that ever happened to them. They’ve told me that it was one of the greatest things their parents did for them. I want that to be B’s experience, but I know that there’s no way to guarantee that. I don’t want B to have a horrible experience and hate me for the rest of his life. But chances are if he doesn’t go, he won’t have much of a life. Not at the current rate.

I sort of wish that I had been sent to boarding school - like it or not. My life would definitely be very different today than what it is now - not that I’d trade what I have now - but I just think it would have been good for me.

So - I’m doing the applications and I’ll take it from there. I really need this to work…

This is a huge decision I have to make. I talked to a military academy today. I think I’m sending B. He ended up failing every. single. class. in the 2nd semester. In his future, I see him dropping out and not living at his full potential.

I’ve tried what I know to help him. I’ve enrolled him in a program at youth services, I’ve enrolled him in a diversion program, I’ve hooked him up with a counselor, I’ve punished him, I’ve rewarded him. I’ve tried. We just don’t have many good resources here. I’m done.

So now I’m at this crossroads. I know in my heart that he needs to go. But today he is being so sweet, so kind, so much my baby boy. I am committed to him though - that’s what I have to remember. I have to do what’s best for him. It’s going to be a struggle financially, but I think I’m going to do it. It will break his heart - it will break my heart.

I talked to them, I understand the program - I think it’s right for him. The structure, the discipline, the self reliance.

I talked to his Youth Services officer - she knows he’s a good kid. She also knows that he doesn’t do what he doesn’t want to. She brought up a good point today - that no matter what we decide, there is just one school in this town. He’s labeled now - I don’t imagine that he’ll have much of a chance going forward. She’s right. I’ve already seen that in action. Mr. K never noticed when B did good for those 2 months - all the progress he made. And the very instant B did a negative - he caught that and sent him home for the day. For this reason alone, I think we need to send B to the military school.

I will pray tonight for guidance. I just need someone or something to assure me that I’m doing the right thing. I’ll be filling out the applications (enrollment and financial aide) this weekend. I need mom or God or someone to give me an answer, to give me the assurance that I need.

Is this the path that B is supposed to walk? Only time will tell…

Pray for me…

My Mother’s Day has been FABULOUS! Cap and Miss T took me to breakfast (B refused to get out of bed and go with us - that made me feel just great). It was good food, then we ran around to find the perfect bird bath for the flowerbed on the east side of the garage. If I might say so - it looks perfect! Cap built a border around it with landscape timbers - it looks so much better.

I planted Azaelas, Shasta Daisys and some deep blue flowers - sort of spire shapped - I forget what they are. I planted all of those around some existing mums and ripped out the tulips that were there (now that was a chore). I really don’t care for tulips and they were planted randomly and sparsly - so now they’re gone.

After that I took a quick shower and then we had a simple dinner (without B again). Then I went to bed and here I’ve been ever since - not sleeping - just relaxing. Cap is playing Kingdom Hearts II and I’m watching the story unfold - just like always. I’m turning into quite the gamer though - I bet I start a game of my own in the next couple of weeks or so (or maybe I’ll wait for a while s.
Miss T was asleep by 7 - her allergies flared up and so I gave her some Benadryl. That always knocks her out. She’ll probably be up WAY early - but hopefully she’ll be feeling better. The poor baby…I don’t like it when my baby’s sick…

Not much else - a good, busy weekend. Got a lot accomplished. It feels good.

Dear Mom,

It’s hard to believe that exactly 11 months have passed since you ‘went home’. I miss you terribly. I don’t think that there is a day that goes by when I don’t think about you. Some days I miss you more than others, but no matter how deep or how little the hurt, the fact remains that I miss you.

I think I miss talking to you more than anything. I actually miss being able to help you out. I miss baking with you and for you. Most of all I hate that Miss T is missing getting to know you as she gets older. She remembers you and talks about you quite often. You made a huge impact in her life in the short time you had to get to know her.

I was remembering just the other day, what I’d read in a couple of different places - that all you really wanted in this life is to know that you’d made a difference. And you know what? You made a difference to SO many. I hope you realized that before you went. If you truly didn’t know that, I’m sorry for not telling you what a difference you’ve made in my life, in B’s life, and in Cap and Miss T’s too. But it’s not just us - it’s so many people in this town.

K didn’t want to celebrate Mother’s Day. I’m not sure why. For me, today is the day when I can celebrate what all you taught me - from baking to gardening and from how to change a diaper to how to be strong in the face of teenage attitude. Some days as I fight and argue with B and cry over the decisions that he is making, all I can think about is how badly I hurt you. When I feel the pain of ‘losing B’ to bad grades and poor decisions, I think I hurt twice much. Once for the current situation and once more for the situation(s) that happened all those years ago on 5th street.

I’m so sorry Mom…I hurt you…I hope that you’ve forgiven me. I pray that you are at peace now for you are one of the most deserving people I know. Happy Mother’s Day Mom.

Love,
D

I had such a great night last night. We started by taking my brother and his family to dinner. Since they’re moving away soon, I thought it would be a good thing to do - and now rather than trying to do it later when they’re busy with packing and such.

After that we came home and I made shortcake biscuits and we had Cap’s folks over for strawberry shortcake. It was so yummy. They’d NEVER had strawberry shortcake with actual shortcake - they always use those spongey little pre-made cakes or angelfood cake. Can you believe that? Wow… Amazingly, they all liked it. Even Grandpa who doesn’t like to step outside his comfor zone (which is very small when it comes to food).

Then we went downstairs to watch Miss T sing. Cap got me (yeah right - mother’s day just happens to be the best excuse) CMT Presents: Karaoke Revolution Country . It is absolutely a blast! Miss T is hilarious. She does these dance moves and poses that are SO funny! I’m going to have to get her watching American Idol or something. She does a fairly good job singing too. She does’t know the songs very well, and can’t read that fast yet, so I’m going to download several of the songs so she can listen to them and learn the words so she can sing along a little better.

Cap and I played for about 4 hours last night after Miss T left to spend the night with Grandpa and Grandma. We didn’t stop until like 2am! We stayed up WAY too late, we had so much fun though. I started out REALLY well - I got like 42k points on my first song (that’s like double platinum!) and then I just went downhill from there. I’m sure the beers had nothing to do with it. Now Cap started off pretty bad…but by the end of our play, he was whooping my ass. The funny thing is though that he does really well on the higher range songs and I do well on the lower songs. So - he kicked butt singing Redneck Woman (I nicknamed him Gretchen for a while) and then he really kicked ass with Suds in the Bucket. I think he did the best though on I’m Movin’ On and I did the best overall on the Dixie Chick’s Wide Open Spaces.

I can’t wait to get back downstairs and play again! I firgure I’ll wait a little while and let B enjoy sleeping in. It’s 11am though…he should be getting up…maybe I’ll restrain myself until about 11:30…

Sometimes I just want to die. Or be dead. Sometimes it seems that there are so many people who would be better off without me around. Cap’s folks wouldn’t mind I’m sure, since I’m not exactly what they had in mind for their baby boy. And, if I weren’t here with him, they could have Miss T and Cap all to themselves. Cap and B wouldn’t have to live in the same house. They could go there seperate ways, and each would be so much happier not having to deal with each other. I wouldn’t have a chance to screw up Miss T’s life. Cap could find a cute, skinny girl with no baggage, no cancer, no kids - one that could keep him happy all the time, in all aspects of the relationship. There are so many things that would improve without my presence. And I can’t think of a single person or thing that would suffer without me. Of course they’d be sad for a short time…but everyone would be fine…better off even.

I found myself wishing last night for my cancer to return and to take me away from all the pain that this life holds. Although Cap loves me, I don’t think that he understands the sheer pain I feel being caught in between he and B. I’m so tired. Tired of the fighting between the two of them, tired of being in the middle of it. I’m tired of sisterly and brotherly drama. I feel like my life has done a complete 180 in the last 2 years. I had a horrible night. It started good and then it went straight to hell.

I’m so sad today. I’m still in bed. Just sitting here. There is no reason to get up. It will just be another day of listening to one complain about the other, an argument or two following and then each of them mad at me since I am the bridge between them.

I miss mom too. I wish she would have never gotten sick. I wish we would have never come back to Kansas. The culture is toxic. Family is toxic. We were so much better away from them all. Now I have nothing. and Kansas holds so many bad memories for me. This is where my father abandoned me. This is where my mother slowly lost everything that meant something to her, surrendering it all to ALS. I have no one really. I was never close with any aunts or uncles, of course now most of them are dead or have long since forgotten me. This is where B’s father abandoned him. This is where his father treatened me - pointed a gun at me.

I don’t really want to die you know. I’m just tired I think. I just hit rock bottom last night. While I wanted to be dead, I didn’t really want to…if that makes any sense. I just wanted the hurt to go away. I didn’t want to feel anything anymore. When I let myself feel, it hurts so bad. I’m tired of hurting.

Having just gotten back from a trip to Oregon, I was just telling SIL yesterday that I go to PDX, and a fire is lighted inside of me - the desire to return to the PNW. And then I return to Kansas, and much more quickly than the desire is ignited, the return to Kansas suffocates it and is smolders until the next trip.

Cap wants to get back, but doesn’t seem to want to take the steps necessary to get it done. So I feel like I’m stuck here. I can’t do the work that needs to be done, and I can’t really hire it done, but maybe I just have to. Hiring a contractor is expensive, but I guess it has to be done. Maybe I’ll make some appointments and get some bids this week on some of the work. I think that’s the only way it will get done.

What else…? Oh yes - the house is a wreck. I don’t seem to have any desire to keep even a little bit of the clutter picked up. Something has to change…it HAS to…