Lucid Madness

Miss T has her first loose tooth! It’s such a big milestone! It’s on the bottom, front, right side. She didn’t even know it was loose - I had to tell her. She just told me her tooth hurt - when I examined it, it moved! I can’t beleive she didn’t notice!

B just packed his crap and left. I offered to help, but he declined. I’m sad. But I’m tired too. I’m tired of being treated like shit by him. Like I owe HIM something. I’m done. He called sis and she came and picked him up. At least I’ll be able to sleep tonight since I’ll know where he’s at. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

If you ask B he’ll tell you that I threatened him with military school because he was cooking chicken because he was hungry. What he’ll fail to mention is that he was cooking said chicken after midnight. At midnight I asked him to get off the computer (he has to be up early tomorrow). He said “Just a minute”. Fine - I always let him finish up. 5 minutes later and I could still hear him pecking on the keyboard. I said “Bed B” and he said (and I quote) “It hasn’t even been an hour yet. Now leave me alone.” THAT pissed me off. I ignored it knowing that as usual he just has to get the last word - but that he would get off. And he did.

Next thing I know I hear banging in the kitchen - a door - then another. I go down to the kitchen and as him to hurry up - I’m tired and I can’t go to sleep with the banging. He called me “ridiculous”. I planted myself in the kitchen and just watched. He told me to go upstairs several times. I told him no - that I’d stay until he was done since I couldn’t sleep anyway. At this point I know that we’re in for a battle of wills. Finally he said “…I can’t eat with you standing there”. I was by the sink and he was at the dining room table (I couldn’t even see him). But I told him that was fine - that he didn’t have to eat.

He said something and I can’t remember just what - it wasn’t derogatory - but it was disrespectful. I told him that I would be calling the military academy tomorrow - that if he can’t be respectful then that’s where he should be. They can teach him those things that I haven’t been able to. Then he freaked out and started mumbling to himself and laughing - sort of maniacle-like. Then he sat in a chair and cried - and kept saying “send me away” and “I don’t want to be here”.

I assured him that I don’t WANT to send him away, but that I can’t handle him anymore. I won’t tolerate being disrespected anymore. I told him that I loved him and that I just want him to be successful in life - I just want him to make it. I want him to go to college. He’s smart. He has so much potential. I told him that I was afraid he had dug himself into a hole that he wouldn’t be able to get out of. I want to see him graduate from high school. I want to help him but I don’t know what to do. I reminded him that we’d played by his rules last year. That he wanted to me to leave him alone about grades and assignments. He wanted me to cease the nagging. So I did and he ended up failing 12 classes. I told him again to tell me what he needs and he said - “I already told you. Send me away.”

I hesitated. Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe he really WANTS to go because he knows it would do him good. Maybe he needs to fight it to keep some clout with his friends. That’s fine. I’m willing to be the bad guy - I haven’t been the bad guy in his life ever - I guess NOW it’s time.

Suddenly he said “Can I leave?” I told him sure and shut the light off, went up the stairs and stopped at the top (did I really just tell him he could leave?). I did - but he needed to use the computer first. I told him no. He went down to his room and I followed him. I told him to get what he needed and be on his way. I was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I think I was thinking that the ol’ reverse psychology would work and he’d stay. He hesitated for the longest time. Made excuses - “I can’t pack with you watching me.” I told him I wasn’t leaving. He just sat on the couch in his room for the longest time. He kept telling me to leave so he could pack. I kept saying no.

At one point he sat up and said “…do you think Grandma can see us?” and I said “Yes, I do.” He gave a sarcastic chuckle and said “That’s crap.” I didn’t know what to say. My eyes teared up and I thought oh yes - she can see and she is nodding her head knowingly. She and I had participated in a similar scene 18 or so years prior. She told me I’d get mine some day. And I was.

I had to walk away - I went and sat on the stairs. I said something - I can’t remember what it was but it ended with I have no one. And B responded that neither did he. I wanted to tell him that we had each other but the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. WHY??? I wanted to say it but I wouldn’t or I couldn’t. I’m convinced now more than ever that he’s really hurting. What can I do to fix it? The counseling in this town is horrible. I need to explore grief counseling for him - but where? With who?

After that, he mumbled something about how all he wanted was a clean slate. He just wants to be a freshman again and not worry about summer school - he just wants to make it all up next year. I said “…don’t you think the first thing you write on that slate should be Summer School? Don’t you think that would be a good step forward?” “No. I just want to be a freshman again.” I said, “You ARE going to summer school tomorrow.” He said “nope.” I said, “alright - that’s it. If you’re not going to school you are not staying in my house.” So - then he started packing in earnest.

I asked him what he would do when he got picked up as a run-away (yet another lame attempt at reverse psychology). He didn’t know. He asked if I was going to call the cops “as soon as [he] walked out the door.” I told him I had to - that it was my responsibility as a parent. He asked if he could just stay somewhere for a few days. I didn’t answer. He picked up the phone and called my sis. He said “me and mom are fighting can I stay with you for a few days?” she apparently said yes and that she’d be right over.

I watched him pack the rest of his things. After about 10 minutes I went up and found sis in the driveway waiting. I went out to talk to her - I told her a few bits and pieces. I figured that the less of my side of the story she knew the better. I told her thank you and that because she was taking him I’d be able to sleep tonight. I cried as I walked back in the house. Even though this wasn’t a complete surprise, it was sad to see my boy leave me.

The odd thing is that tonight as I laid in bed, I silently asked God to help me discover the answer - boarding school or home schooling or back to the same place he was last year. I asked God to help me know in my heart the right decision for B’s future. And now - I’m more confused than ever. Of couse that could be due to the fact that it’s after 2am. Maybe it will all make sense in the morning…

If there’s anyone out there - what do you think? Did God answer me? Am I overlooking the answer that I so desperately need? He’s just 15. Can I handle 3 more year of him? Can he handle 3 more years of me?

I’ve always enjoyed the relatively quiet summers. Kids outdoors playing, no running to and from schools, etc. Not this summer. This summer is turning out to be very busy and I don’t like it. I want to be lazy and stay in where it’s cool.

The kids are all getting older though - I should have expected to be a bit busier with activities. B was never into anything outdoors or anything sporty for that matter so he was always indoors and didn’t participate in any activities - so this is all quite new to me.
Miss T started swimming lessons this afternoon and she has her first T-ball practice this afternoon. Boy - between lessons, practices, games and such we’ll be busy! And that’s just the fun stuff - there’s always going to be family to worry about and help and…well…you know.

I got interupted and now that I’m back, I can’t think of what else I wanted to say…

Darn it.

So - I’ve decided that each Saturday I’ll details Sis’s little (and not so little) dramas for the week…the material is too good to just not use…

So - earlier this week Sis’s friend called me and asked if I could bring over the digital camera and take pictures. Apparently Sis had gotten into a fight and wanted pictures (aside from those the police took). She’d fought with her boyfriend’s ex.

The ex had been sending nasty little text messages for some time. Finally Sis got her on the phone and invited her over to deal with it. So - the ex gets there, plants herself on sis’s property and proceeds to throw the first punch. Apparently, this ex is not the brightest crayon in the box. Sis proceeded to defend herself. After the ex left, Sis called the cops and pressed charges. She ended up with a black eye and a huge knot on the outside of her right brow, a cut on the head and blood EVERYWHERE. The ex ended up being taken to jail. When I got to sis’s house she was just sitting on a kitchen chair, with a cool, wet washcloth soaking up blood from her head, and grinning from ear to ear. She was quite proud of herself.

I was a little disappointed in her. I mean she is a mother. She’s got a son to look out for. Of couse - that’s why she did it though - because the ex’s text messages were talking shit about her son (who happens to be 1/2 black). So - she did it in his honor (supposedly). Luckily he was spending the night with a friend - so he didn’t see any of it and she was able to fix her hair in a way that hid the bruised eye from him. Still though - she’s too old for this kind of crap.

So tonight - sis get’s home from work and calls me and tells me there is a bird in her toilet. No open windows, no broken window, she watched all the animals come in and none of them brought it. My first thought was that the psycho ex was trying to psych my sister out (it’s obvious that I watch far too many lifetime movies). But - we think it got in when she accidentally left her big garage door open last night and then left the inside garage door open this morning for the animals. Maybe the cats chase the bird into the bathroom and it ended up knocking itself out or maybe it needed some water - who knows. All I know is that it was gross! And creepy!

What will it be in the week to come? I bet you can’t wait to find out…

We made it down to the funeral. Poor ‘bert. He was so sad. He sort of seemed lost. He’ll be fine though. The community is small and close-knit so there are plenty to tend to him. God bless him.

Grandma had her surgery. They discovered the cancer had spread further than they’d thought and they had to take more nodes than they’d anticipated. Several from her armpit. She was in a bit of pain today and so they kept her drugged up. She also couldn’t keep anything down. I just prefer that they stay put.

What else? Oh yes - there is some sister drama to tell you about, but - I think I’m going to set aside one day a week to detail sister’s dramas. I really don’t want to have her little (and not so little) dramas permeating my entire blog!

I’ve been busy all week with projects at work and with the funeral and grandma and such. I’m looking forward to a quiet week - but I doubt this one will be it!

We are having breakfast in the morning at the in-laws house. A big breakfast - omelets, fruit, etc. and I volunteered to make cinnamon rolls from scratch (the best way). I’ll use mom’s ‘famous’ recipe. I hope everyone enjoys them. The better if I’m getting up a 6 to make them!! After breakfast, we’ll come home and I’ve GOT to work! There’s so much to get done!

Wish me luck!!

No news from my GYN - it was a holiday week so I’ll give a couple of extra days. If no news by Wednesday, I will call Karen…

Grandma came through surgery fine. Once they got in, they discovered that the cancer had spread and they removed several nodes - some from her armpit - more than they’d anticipated. They said she’d need chemo therapy.

A cousin mentioned that she wouldn’t do chemo at that age (nearing 80). I don’t know that I would either. But Grandma is one tough broad. I can see her doing the chemo and beating and living another 20 years. Not because she’s a health nut or anything like that, but because she’s tough. If she does it, that’s the way I expect it to go.

I really don’t want to see her go through it though. As tough as she is - it would be hard on Grandpa and there’s really no one in that small little town to take care of her THEM. Grandpa will turn 80 in a couple of weeks and he’s not in the greatest health.

I pray that they have the strength they will surely need in the coming months.