Lucid Madness

My eating has become completely out of control.  I am at an all-time high weight.  I am currently and seriously considering purging after eating or the chew and spit technique.  I am fully aware that both are not good.  I’m desperate though.  I need some way to control it.

I just finished eating a pie crust and a cup of pudding.  I don’t know why.  I wasn’t hungry - I just wanted needed it.  I actually got up, made a pie crust, baked it and then ate it with a cup of pudding.  I wanted a chocolate cream pie - and I called a local ‘mom and pop’ restaurant (they have THE BEST pie) but they were closed already.  So I compromised.

This is what I do.  I eat.  I can’t stop, I can’t tell myself no.  I eat when I’m stressed, when I’m mad, sad, bored.  I just eat all the time.  I eat salty then I want sweet then I want salty again.  I crave sweets and bread.  I will go to McDonald’s for breakfast which is bad in and of itself, but instead of getting a sandwich, I get 2 sandwiches AND a coke AND a coffee.  When Cap is home, I’ll eat one of the sandwiches on the way home so he won’t know.

The fact that I’m hiding to eat has lead me to the realization that I’m addicted to food.  My relationship with food is completely out of control.  I eat when I’m not hungry.  I feel guilty after I eat.  Before I’ve finished my breakfast I’m deciding what to have for lunch and even dinner.  I look forward to breakfast because I can eat a lot since I’m all alone.  I hold back when I’m around friends and family - I eat normally then I make up for it later.  I have to buy new work clothes about every 6 months because the prior season’s clothes don’t fit anymore.  I’ve noticed that I eat in response to emotions - when I have an argument with B or get bad news - I seriously start rooting through cabinets looking for something to eat.  It makes me feel better - or maybe it’s helping me to not feel anything.

There has been so much hurt in my life.  My father was never available to me.  I found comfort in the arms of an alcoholic/drug addict and got pregnant.  I struggled to raise my son, work full time and go to school.  I drank too much on too many occasions.  I was promiscuous.  My dad cheated on my mom, gave her an STD and they got divorced.  When he married a new woman he quit communicating with all of us.  I grieved for the loss of my father.  I got over that - but then - when everything was going well, I found out my mom had ALS.  I moved 2000 to be with her, to help her and enjoy her for the short time she had left.  I was diagnosed with cervical cancer.  I underwent treatment and am currently in remission.  I stopped smoking when I found out I had cancer.  I started menopause when I completed my cancer treatment.  I watched my mom’s life be stolen from her.  I watched my mom die.

I could go on…there’s more but those are the major points.  My weight issue has gotten bad in the last two years.  Since I quit smoking and started menopause.  I think I traded one addiction for another.

So - I ordered some books…some over-eaters anonymous books.  I’ve attended an online meeting (there are no local meetings).  I’ve read and researched and read some more.  I’m ready to take the first step.  To admit my problem and that I’m powerless when it comes to food.  I’ve worked the steps before.  Back when my relationships were such a mess and following a frightening pattern - alcoholics, drug addicts, verbally abusive, physically abusive.  I need to work them again.  This time it’s my relationship with food that’s the problem.

I’ll document my journey here…

God - grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the the wisdom to know the difference.  Amen.

Miss T has lost another tooth.  That makes two total.

She’d gone to grandma and grandpa’s house for dinner - invited herself which is pretty typical.  They had dinner, and Cap had gone to pick her up and run by my sister’s house to put up a flag holder on the side of her house.  While there Miss T mentioned that she didn’t have her tooth.  When she got home she wanted to call up grandma and tell her she lost the tooth and that she COULDN’T FIND IT!  We had no clue - we figured she’d just left it over there or something.  So she called grandma and when she told grandma, grandma said - hey - do you remember that rock you found in your cheetos?  Miss T says yeah and then the lightbulb clicked on!  She finally figured it out!

Luckily grandma had told her to throw it in the trash (which she’d just emptied) instead of telling her to throw it outside.  Grandma (Miss T’s hero that night) dug in the trash and retrieved the tiny little tooth.  Miss T started crying when grandma called back and told her she found the tooth.  She yelled, “I’m crying I’m so happy!” into the phone then hung up.  We went and picked it up and carfully placed it in the Tooth Fairy pillow that she has.   The tooth fairy showed up that night - Miss T awoke to a dollar in place of that little tooth!

Today B and I met with C.  B had his progress report done.  I usually cry from frustration when we go see Chris - I almost cried today - this time out of sheer happiness and pride.  I think B may have gotten the message last week!

Hi “C”.

I’ve been going to email you since last night and I keep getting sidetracked!

I just wanted to let you know that ”B” is doing better this week.  He got everything done and turned in on Tuesday - he even had notes from teachers to prove it.  I think he was pretty amazed with himself.  He said - “I could have gotten that done on Friday”.  I think he and I both learned something this week.  I know that I learned that even though it’s hard to do, if I back up my words with actions we’re both better off for it.  I’m very proud of him and told him so.

I know we’re not out of the woods, but it’s a small victory!  Hopefully he will remember to get that progress report filled out for you.  I’ve reminded him a couple of times that he needs to start tomorrow.  I guess we will see…

Thanks for all your help and support.

That’s the email I sent to B’s officer.  Last week, we ended up talking to him on Friday after school.  C completely backed me up.  He told B that he supported me and that he clearly made the choice not to do the work and that correlated to him choosing to be grounded from computer for the weekend.  B didn’t realize until Sunday that it was a long weekend.  Too bad for him.  I actually stood my ground this time.  I didn’t allow B to bargain with me or talk me out of what I had said.  It felt good.  I think we both learned something this week.

I learned that if I back my words up with actions that we’re both better off for it.  It feels damn good too.  To have won, to not feel defeated.  It was incredible.  I could get addicted to this.  I feel like this was a major breakthrough!

I think B learned that I’m strong enough to stick to my word.  To not give in to him.  He knows now that I’m serious.  He’s very smart and intuitive.  I think he also respects me more for it.

I know this post seems like everything’s perfect.  This is only a small victory in this battle.  The first of many I’m sure.  So - while we did get that bright light, hallelujah moment, it was just that.  A moment.  This is only the 3rd week of school so we have a ways to go.  Progress none-the-less, and progress is good. 

WoooooT!