I guess it’s been a couple of weeks ago now…maybe even a month or more ago. I began reading and ‘working’ the steps. Then, I got scared.
The first step was done. I’ve known for some time now that I had a problem with food. Only recently though was I able to really see it as an addiction. I conciously admitted to myself and others that I have a problem. That my relationship with food is out of control. That I need help.
I began reading Compulsive Overeater by Bill B. I read the intro, his experience with step one and then on to step two. Step Two. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I thought about that. About my God. I’ve never been a very religious person. I do believe there is a greater Power. I just don’t know that it is the sam God that I learned about in Sunday School as a youngster. I believe in fate and angels and that the feather that fell before me only days after my mother’s death was a sign from her. I believe that I can feel my mother’s spirit in the wind. It was windy the day she died. I’m getting off track here - but I do believe in so many things. Perhaps it’s the rebel in me that can’t believe that which others have preached to me. I believe that which I have experienced. That which feels real in my heart.
I expected from the beginning that I would have problems with this step since I believe a lot, but nothing specific. AFter reading the Bill B.’s experience with step two, I felt at peace. He warned that it would be hard. That many struggle with this step. The I read that God would restore my sanity if I chose to let Him. Got would remove the insanity. He would remove my appetite.
I remember wondering is it really THAT simple? Just choose. Just choose to allow God to remove my appetite. I was skeptical. But I have believed in stranger things. And, when I finished that chapter, I decided not go on to the third step. That I wanted to give myself time to take in step 2 and really feel like I had a good grasp on it before moving on. I decided that I would read some of the miscellaneous chapters toward the back. I was tired though, so I climbed out of the bathtub and went to bed. As I laid in bed that evening, I made my decision. I decided that I wanted God to remove my compulsion. Remove my appetite and restore my sanity.
I slept good that night. When I woke in the morning, it was just like any other morning. Until I thought about breakfast. Then, instead of asking Cap to run to McDonald’s or Sonic, I decided that I’d like to have one of those breakfast Lean Pockets that Cap had gotten for me to try. Then I realized that I didn’t want 2 of them like I usually did. I just wanted one. I was slightly confused. Then I remembered the choice I had made.
I was amazed. I was scared. This is real. It works. I felt as if I’d struck gold! The entire day was the same way. I was different. I wasn’t consumed by thoughts of food. I didn’t eat constantly. The following day was the same. I did it! I was cured!
NOT!
I don’t know how I could have been so foolish. I know better. I quit reading, I stopped believing. I forgot what I was. I am a compulsive overeater. Although my appetite has returned, I’m back and I’m ready to do this right. I guess you could call this my first ‘fall’ from ‘the wagon’. I don’t want to fall again, but I am a realist. I know and accept that I am not perfect. I’m going to try to do better this time. That is all I can manage at this point. I know, now, that I must turn to God everyday. I must start each day by asking God to help me through that day. Now I truly understand ONE DAY AT A TIME.
