Lucid Madness

:D  YAY! for baggy jeans.  I ♥ how they feel.  I ♥ that I don’t have to unbutton them when I sit down to eat.  I ♥ that I am comfortable!

Last time I weighed (Sunday night I think) I was down 12 pounds total.  I did a silly little dance and told everyone!  I even got a hug and ‘good job’ from Mr. B!  I’m happy and grateful for where the OA journey has taken me thus far.  I am anxious to see where it will take me next.

I’m going to start some step work.  I feel my program slipping - not so much my eating habits, but I haven’t been ‘on progam’.  I haven’t been to a meeting in a couple of weeks.  I tried to attend an online meeting the other night, but I just wasn’t feeling it.  Probably because they were doing a study on a couple of paragraphs from the big book.  While I might find that of use at some point - it wasn’t what I needed that night.

Since my world is so hectic and I don’t have much time for myself, I think I will start doing step work during my lunch hour.  It’s really the only time I have truly to myself.

It was about 60° today - I got spring fever!  It was a holiday for me, but not for Cap and not for the kids.  I was home all alone and didn’t have to work.  I kept myself busy all day - cleaning, rearranging.  It’s been a great day.

So after the crazy, stress-filled week I ended up not gaining any weight.  I didn’t lose either - but I’ll take it!  I’ve been having more energy lately.  Well, not over the weekend - I felt like crap this weekend - probably jet-lag.  I just felt ‘blah’ and super-tired!  I actually took naps on Sunday - which is very unusual for me.  On Saturday I shoveled the snow slush from the driveway (yes - the snow sat on the driveway all week - Monday-Friday while I was gone and only got shoveled because I did it on Saturday - my family is wonderful).  My shoulders hurt too from the shoveling - that slush was HEAVY!  But - I digress.  Where was I?  Ah yes - more energy.  Perhaps I’m over the sugar withdrawl and moving into feeling better.  I don’t have cravings either - which is nice.  And staying away from sweets - it’s not really that hard anymore.

Girl Scout cookies arrived today.  I ordered them before I ventured into the land of no sugar.  :)  I didn’t realize that one kind of the cookies is sugar free.  So - a treat for me - someday.

Well…things to do…

There’s nothing like stress and pending changes to test one’s constitution.  I’m completely freaked out.  I found out this morning that my company will be acquired.  Working in a GA department pretty much (at least in my mind) guarantees that my position will be eliminated.  Of course no one can say for sure, but I’m just expecting this will be the case.

I hate change.  I love my job.  I’ve been with this company since November of 1999.  :(  I’m bummed.  I’m scared.  I have a ton of work to do and I can’t focus on one lick of it.  I’m trying to tell myself that what will be will be.  That God has a plan for me and if it is not in my cards to remain employed by this company then that is what is best for me.  I’m really struggling to believe it though.  In my heart I know.  In my mind, I’m not so sure what the immediate future will hold for me.

On the positive side, I haven’t done too badly eating-wise on this trip.  Today has been a challenge though with everything that’s going on.  I’ve passed on scones and cookies and creme brulee and tiramisu and lattes.  YAY me!

I’m grateful for my new-found ability to turn down those lovely treats.
It’s not even that hard.  I just say no thank you and that’s the end of it. 

THANK YOU GOD!

I’ve felt good.  I’ve done good.  I found that the weekends are significantly harder than the weekdays when I’m home alone and have no outside influence.  Aside from everyone being at home an such, I’m also preparing to fly out of here.  I’m heading to Portland for the week for work.  I enjoy going in to the office and seeing everyone.  I’ve been busy preparing my presentations and the like and I’m looking forward to a week away from everything.  What I’m not looking forward to is all the great food, restaurants and such!

I know I can do well.  I can make good decisions.  I know I can!

I can’t write much now because I have to finish packing!  Wish me luck serenity as I face new challenges this week!

God be with me …

Insanity isn’t the word for it.  After that last post I did some random surfing and suddenly started crying.  Not sure why.  Maybe this is all catching up with me.  Maybe my body and mind are adjusting…I don’t know.  What I do know is that after I cried I wanted to eat.  I thought - I can have some SunChips - those are allowed for me…but then I realized that my plan and my program isn’t just about eating what’s good for me and not eating sugar, it’s about not eating compulsively.  So I prayed instead and I decided to stay up another hour so I could attend another meeting…

How can I go from one extreme to another so quickly?  Where did the tears come from? 

The meeting is over.  I think I was sad earlier at coming to the realization that I am so willing to hurt myself.  I know without a doubt that I was trying to manipulate my program.  To give myself a reason to binge.  I also realize now how much I didn’t love myself in the past.  BUT - I also know now that I am learning more about myself and learning to love myself.  I must remember that it’s okay…I’m okay.

I am grateful this night for OA, for meetings, for those who support me, for my God and for my continued abstinence…

I am down 7 pounds total in the last week.  YAY!  Everytime I get on the scale I think of Charlie and his scale compulsion.  :)  I don’t think it’s a compulsion for me (yet!).  It sure is good to see a change in the right direction though and I can certainly see how I could become obsessed with checking the scale.

I felt so good yesterday!  I’m wondering when it will end.  When I will crash.  Interesting to note - I actually liked myself yesterday.  I was happy with how I looked.  That hasn’t happend in a very long time.  Not sure where that came from…

I kept to my food plan again today.  YAY me!  I attended a meeting online this evening.  YAY me again!

During the meeting as I was listening to shares, and they got me thinking…and wondering…

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??

I’ve lost 7 pounds.  I feel good.  I don’t feel like I’m struggling.  I don’t feel deprived.  I mean - I’m glad I don’t feel those things, that I feel good, and that I’ve lost a little weight.  So why is it I feel like I’m doing something wrong?  I feel like, I read a lot of struggling in blogs and the like.  Why have I not struggled yet?  Do I just have a high tolerance for change?  Am I doing something wrong?  Is my food plan not strict enough?  How do I know that I am doing okay on this journey?

I don’t know if I’m making much sense.  It’s hard for me to explain…I guess it’s the ‘no pain, no gain’ theory.  Should I just be grateful for the day, my abstinence and my God?  Maybe this is some of my self-sabotage/self-defeating behaviors…  If I make it harder on myself, I can fail and have an excuse to binge.  Is that what this is?  I am trying to manipulate my program to make myself a victim so I can feel justified in eating?  !!!!!  Could be I suppose - the truth is I don’t know what to think.  Insanity.  That’s what this is…

God, I pray for clarity this evening…
Amen

Day two is nearly behind me.  :)  I felt really good today - got some exercise, got to see my grandparents, went grocery shopping, was abstinent (I think)!  I’ve sent my sponsor my intake for today.  I don’t see anything bad not on plan in it…

Grocery shopping was interesting!  I saw so many tastey treats that I would have bought had I not found OA and a hint of sanity.  We did so much running around this evening, that I picked up Lunchables for the kids.  There was a tiny little Butterfinger for dessert in hers.  She asked me to open it and I just had to smell it.  It smelled so good.  My daughter offered to share it so I had to explain to her that I’ve ‘grounded’ myself from sugar.  She’s 6 - it seemed to satisfy her.

The fact that I had to smell the candy bar and the fact that I took a few moments to stare at some chocolate cake with gooey icing in the freezer case, next to frozen mini eclaires and cream puffs made it very clear to me that I’m ‘white knuckling’ it right now.  Well, maybe ‘white knuckling’ isn’t the right word - because I didn’t have to be dragged away…and I didn’t give in to any of my compulsions…I just said a quick prayer and moved on.  It’s progress - that is for sure.

God - thank you for giving me this day

I still have a headache!  But otherwise I feel good.  Not hungry.  At peace.

So - a bit of good news - when I weighed this morning I was down 4 pounds from last week.  Simply accepting that God into my life and beleiving that He would remove my appetite and compulsions gave me the strength to eat mindfully (even though not on a food plan per se).  I still lost weight - that’s awesome.  I can’t wait to see what the upcoming weeks are like.

I think some of the searching and writing I did last week helped me to release some of the ’stuff’ that I have buried under all this fat.  Finaly feeling those feelings was good for me.  It allowed me to have some clarity - some much needed clarity to move forward in my Program.  I can see that now.  It was painful to feel some of those hurts, but good at the same time.  I have many more hurts to feel, many feelings to explore.

I told Cap my food plan tonight and asked for his help and support.  I’m hoping that he’ll think before offering me a cookie or the like.  :)  Of course he agreed.  It feels good to know he’s behind me - even though I never doubted he would be.

I attended a meeting tonight.  Haven’t worked anymore on ‘the clutter’.  Was well focused at work.  A fabulous day for which I am grateful…

I’m pretty sure I’ve already screwed up today…did you know that Baked Lays have sugar in them?  Yes - it’s like the 3rd ingredient!  I didn’t even consider that baked lays would have sugar.  I didn’t look until I’d eaten the and only looked out of curiosity.  I figured potatoes, salt, some preservatives…  Oh well.  Lesson learned - read ingredients first and never assume!  Tomorrow is another day.

I’ve got a headache.  I’m hungry.  I feel empty.  I want to EAT SOMETHING!  ANYTHING!  I just had a handful of baby carrots…patiently awaiting dinner.

One problem I’ve got to resolve is that my house is full of processed crap and sugary treats.  We didn’t make it to the grocery store this weekend - so I’m sure tomorrow will be better…after shopping for some sugarless foods for me.  :)  I’m counting on it.

If anyone out there has some ideas for meals or things I should add to my shopping list - I’d sure appreciate it!

I plan on attending an online meeting tonight…  I’m sure I’ll write more later this evening…

So.  I came up with my food plan.  I think it’s fairly simple and addresses some of the things most troubling to me.  We’ll see where it takes me…

• No sugar - eat nothing with sugar in the first 5 ingredients
• Portion control - eating appropriate portions
• Healthy snacks only - fruits, veggies, dairy, protein (no carb snacking)
• Limit breads - specifically after breakfast meal - eat whole grains
• No fast food breakfasts

Nothing spectacular, and definitly doable.  It won’t be easy some days - especially stressful days and on trips to Oregon.  All I can do is try though.  And of course - take it one day at a time.

I realized something about myself last night - something I’ll have to work on - I hate to say no to people.  My sis brought over a birthday cake last night.  She put candles in it and everyone sang to me.  I made a wish and then blew out the candles.  It was an ice cream cake from DQ.  I had a piece.  I didn’t really feel like I had to have it, didn’t really want it - but I ate it.  I figured if she spent the $$ and went to the trouble that I should be grateful and partake.  I guess I need to learn that it’s okay to say no.  I am here for me.  I should be making decisions in my best interest.

God - Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can and
The wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.