Lucid Madness

The cousin manages a store and they were surprise audited today…so she didn’t make it over.  She and I both have stuff going on tomorrow, so we will meet up on Friday - if she’s not coming over here then I’m going over there and picking them up.  Maybe it’s for the best that I don’t get them until the weekend when I have time to delve into them and deal with all the emotions they are sure to bring up…

Everything happens for a reason…

So I’m maintaining my 12 pound weight loss, but haven’t lost anymore.  I’ve also NOT been working my program like I need to.  On a positive note, I have continued to stay away from sugar (for the most part) and continue to eat smaller portions and not eat compulsively (for the most part).

The good news is that I’m back and ready to give this another go.  I had a complete breakdown last night - not mental or emotional - but an eating breakdown - which I supposed is emotional at it’s core, but I digress…  The bottom line is that it was my wake up call.  My slap in the face.  I’ve needed it.

I’m not even really sure what made me sort of turn away from my program - I think that it was lack of support.  I cannot even tell you how hard it is not to have a sponsor to talk to everyday.  I cannot even tell you how hard it is not to have a meeting to go to.  The last on-line meeting I went to, I just wasn’t feeling it, it sort of turned me off I guess.  Going through a rough time right then, and with no one to turn to, I just set it all aside.  But - now I’m ready to pick it back up.  I am going into it this time differently.  I’m going to find support and set myself up for success.

Did you notice the ‘for the most part’ comments in the first paragraph?  I had a couple of pieces of cake a couple of weeks ago.  That was that.  Then there was last night.  I don’t know what my problem was.  Well, actually, I think I do know…

Before Mom died, she gave her journals to her cousin and she’s been holding them since then keeping them until we were ‘ready’.  She never could define for me what ‘ready’ meant.  So in June it will be 2 years.  I called her last weekend and asked her if I could have them.  She agreed to give them to me.  She was to bring them over on Monday but the trip got cancelled so she is supposed to be here today.  She said that they or at least one of them is from when I was being a pain in the ass teenager.  I have imagined that I would totally be able to relate having dealt with a teenager of my own.  Aside from that I lived it.  I know what I did, and have dealt with Mr. B and my own feelings about him and his hormonal actions, I think I can certainly understand with more clarity the things she’d written.

So - the journals are to be here today.  I feel like I’m ready, but last night I spend the evening stuffing sugar-laden crap into my mouth.  Before dinner I had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles.  After dinner, I had a few croutons, then, still craving something I grabbed the Fruity Pebbles again and instead of having a bowl, I just dumped them into my mouth - straight from the box.  I couldn’t stop.  I needed it.  It was insane!  Then, I had a couple of pieces of hard candy.  It was just crazy, insane behavior.  I think there is more anxiety related to receiving the journals that I had anticipated because I was certainly in need of some comfort last night.

I’m awake and aware once again of the importance of my program and the constant need to be dilligent in ‘working it’ and praying and meetings and support.  I’m trying…

God,
Grant me the serenity today to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage today to change the things I can,
And the wisdom today to know the difference.
I know I’ve been lost lately but I’m ready to give it to you again.
Amen.

Life sort of took over for a while.  Or maybe it was work that took over.  Either way, I’ve been very busy - so busy that an extra 8 hours in each day would be perfect!

Miss T lost her 3rd and 4th teeth - the two top center teeth.  It’s amazing to me how much older she seems with no teeth.  She is truly growing into a beautiful person.  She is helpful and considerate and smart.  I am very proud of her.  She continues to love school, doing ‘homework’ and loves to read.  While she doesn’t read nearly as much as her Colorado cousin, she reads enough - and more than her brother ever had the patience for!

Mr. B is passing all but one class and has made a plan to pull that last grade up.  He is also taking advantage of offers of extra credit where he never did before.  He, too, is turning into a responsible and caring young man.  Today he is really upset as his best friend - the one he claims is ’the other half of his heart’ - moved to Colorado.  The kid’s mom had been going up there every weekend to see some guy and this kid had been staying with us and he lived here over spring break.  Mr. B is devastated.  I wish I could, somehow, make it all better.  I talked with his this morning and I let him stay home - he’s just crying.  I feel so bad for him!

Cap has officially been qualified as a driver.  He’s been driving off and on as needed and working preload when he’s not driving.  When he’s not driving, and after preload, he usually heads out for the day helping his dad.  Needless to say he’s been staying very busy.  It’s good for him.

Work is the same as it’s always been - just busier due to the acquisition.  There are have been many requests for reports and data.  So - I’m a little less worried now about losing my job but I suppose it is still a possibility.  Just not anytime soon.

Sis is pregnant - due end of September or early October.  I am happy for her and a little jealous.  I would have loved to have had another child with Cap, but it just wasn’t in the cards.  At least now I can have a baby to play with and then send home.  Sis seems to be turning things around a bit - she is more focused this year on her son and keeping him on a schedule.  It’s been very good for him school-wise.  I think sis just finished the first trimester so she is well on her way.

I’ve been working on the de-cluttering and have made progress - just a little - but hey - it’s progress none-the-less.  My office is clean!  The filing still needs to be done, but it’s been divided into 2 bins - one personal, one for work.