So I *tried* to go to the CoDA meeting last night. I called the guy earlier this week, found out where and what time and such. When I arrived at the church, all the doors were locked. I had seen some people going into the church when I was about a block away. I tried all the doors. No one came and opened them. So I left.
When I drove away, I felt so defeated. I was also angry at God - with tears in my eyes, I asked him why he was keeping me from this meeting. I asked him why He didn’t want me to get well. As I drove, a memory came to mind…and I understood.
When my mother was working her own recovery, she attended this group. I even attended with her on many occassions as I first started to realize my own codependency. The leader of the group at the time, a minister at the Lutheran church, was transferred. Mom was discouraged, but continued to attend. I moved to another city shortly after. Soon after, Mom stopped attending the meeting alltogether.
I recalled the answering machine tape we found in mom’s things. It was a creepy message from this creep that attended the same group that she did. She was very frightened by the tape and had labeled it, dated it and sealed it in an envelope. Mom had a good idea who it was, but there wasn’t a way to prove it so she simply stashed it away in case she ever needed it.
The man that she suspected? He is now the leader/coordinator of the group I tried to attend last night. I never put it all together until I found those church doors locked and asked God why. God gave me the answer that I asked for. I immediately felt a sense of peace and safety. I am reminded once again that God really does know what He’s doing and that I need to learn to trust in Him more gracefully.
Thank you, God for your guidance last night,
for keeping me safe and for gently reminding
me that must trust in you… Amen
It’s not an OA meeting, but it’s a 12-step meeting for codependents and adult children. I have to do something. I’m feeling really icky about myself. Am I just lazy? Am I scared to move on? Should I try an AA meeting? I’m considering it. Maybe going to an AA meeting would give me some perspective on addiction, on working a program. Why couldn’t I have an AA sponsor?
Charlie wrote something in his blog this week about “…God slowly revealing the real me.” That passage really spoke to me - I’ve been thinking about the real ME since I read Charlie’s entry and it scares me to death. I don’t know who I am. I don’t even know if I want to know… I’ve hidden for so long…not sure why. But even before I hid behind the weight, I was hiding myself. I guess I’ve never really felt confident in my body (not without a drink anyway) or in my personality (again not without a drink). I bend over backwards for people (in real life and at work) so they will tell me how wonderful I am and I can feel good briefly. I hide behind my weight, my clothes, my work, other people. Why do I do this? What is there that I want no one to see? I can’t be that bad. Can I?
This is worth exploring…I’ll sleep on it. I’ll ask God to lead me…
Probably a little of both - but last night Mr. B was definitely raising me instead of me raising him. We have this unique relationship - likely born out of my young age when I had him and all the guilt I’ve felt through the years about the lack of a decent male role model.
I often have a hard time telling him no. I always feel that he’s so delicate and that he’s been through enough and I shouldn’t add to his stress. I know this is wrong, I’ve always known this was wrong…it’s just such a hard thing to change after so many years. I know it doesn’t do him any good. He needs boundaries and I have failed to give them to him.
A couple of times in the last week the boy literally gave me permission to tell him no. I have a bad habit - when I want to say no but don’t want to hurt him, I tend to sort of ‘feel him out’ by not directly answering his question. If he begs or shows that it’s something that he’s going to throw a fit about I tend to make my answer the one that will make him happy. And if he seems to not really care then I give him the answer I want to give him.
This is something I need to work on…B seems to know this too. Last night he asked if he could run to Sonic with a friend after curfew. I did my typical dancing around the answer and he looked and me and said “You can say no”. So I did. It amazes me how perceptive he is. He really is (and has always been) wise beyond his years…
You know that song… “Juke Box Hero”? Last night in the car, it was on and I listened to Miss T sing along…
“Juice Box Hero…”
She cracks me up!
I’m in such a funk tonight - really for the last week. Maybe it has something to do with all the crap I’ve been dredging up. I’ve been crying - I was finally able to break down - now that everyone is asleep. These are cleansing tears though…I think I’m letting go of some stuff…
Even though I’ve been working on step 1, and trying fully understand and delve into the chaos that surrounds the food part of my life, I was recently given the gift of an opportunity to apologize to someone for wrongs in my past (isn’t this like the 8th step?). I know that many are never given the opportunity either because they cannot find the person or whatnot, so I am grateful that God has afforded me the opportunity.
So - I said what I needed to say…I apologized. Then I felt horrible. Wasn’t I supposed to feel better having been able to get those things out of my heart? So I spent some time this evening contemplating just what, exactly, this is all about and I finally figured it out. I didn’t get what I thought I would out of it. You know what I wanted? I wanted an apology in return. I was expecting an apology. I wasn’t the only one who did wrong! First I was mad and confused, then I was VERY sad…like unable to crack a smile sad. I’ve been stewing over this for a while now and just figured it out tonight thanks to an online meeting.
I knew I had to let it go - but for some reason, no matter how badly I wanted to, I just couldln’t. I finally found the courage to do so tonight. As shares abounded about courage, one stood out. It said that God will give us what we need when we need it IF we have the courage to ask. This is where I began crying and I asked God to make me well. I asked Him to help me let it go. In and instant it was gone. I’m okay now not having that apology that I thought I so badly needed and deserved…
I realize now that all I can do is own my own actions (or lack thereof). If someone is not ready to own up to their trespasses, all I can do is forgive myself for my trespasses and then LET IT GO. I think that this is one of my core issues - I have done this for years with my son. I’ve felt so guilty about his first years in this world - about his lack of a father - that I tried to make up for it all. I’ve carried guilt over his father’s actions for far to long and B has been the one to suffer for it. I will have to work on and through this - determine exactly what my ownership is, apologize to B and then let go of the rest…definitely not tomorrow…but someday soon.
I think I can finally sleep now having this off of my chest…
Thank you, God, for giving me ‘just what I needed’ tonight…
Please continue making me well, showing me my path…
…Amen
