It began lovely enough - a long weekend with the family in Colorado Springs.  We all had a pretty good time.  We spent time with my brother and his family.  We took the kids, including my niece and nephew to Santa’s Workshop and then drove up to the summit of Pikes Peak.  The kids loved it!  It was a beautiful day, a beautiful drive.  Perfect.  Every bit of the trip was great.

I had so much more to write about 2 months ago - but I didn’t write it then and now I’ve lost a lot of the detail that would have made this so much more interesting.  :)

Things were pretty quite into July until my late mother’s cousin went missing.  Now my mom and this cousin were particularly close.  They were sisters, best friends and family.  Mom was her rock when she went through some hard times and she was Mom’s rock as she battled her ALS.  When Mom died, I sort of wished that this cousin (I’ll call her SM) would take me under her wing and be a surrogate mother to me.  I wished to be able to call her and talk to her and tell her things like I did with Mom.  That, however, was not to be.

SM kept herself pretty busy.  Just 18 months to the day prior to Mom dying, SM had lost her husband to cancer.  She was heartbroken, and I don’t think that she ever really took the time to grieve for him.  She was so sharp - offering advice - the good, practical advice.  Unfortunately she never took her own advice.  So then Mom died, and just this summer, she lost her brother.  All these deaths and all she did was work.  She worked when she should have been grieving for her husband, when she should have been grieving for Mom, and then her brother.  Just kept herself busy with work.  I really think that she was in deep denial.

I have regrets - because I knew all of this and I never reached out to her.  I should have.  I didn’t.

None of that really has anything to do with her disappearance - but I want to set the stage.  I want to remember.  She went missing one day - just didn’t show up to work - which was unusual for this workaholic.  After about 7-10 days they found her.  In her vehicle in the corner of a truck stop.  It took a week or more to get a positive ID - they had to resort to dental records and finger prints.  Horrible.  Heartbreaking.

Shortly after learning of the positive ID, I received word that my aunt, my mom’s sister had died.  Her husband found her in her bed dead when he returned from seeing his mother who had just had a stroke.  Still no word on the cause of death, but it appears that she’d been sick and hiding it for some time - secretly suffering.  And a few days prior to her death she’d been given a prescription for antibiotics and painkillers.  At her death we discovered the scripts for the antibiotics in her purse she had never filled them - but she had filled and had been using the painkillers.  They have ruled out overdose/suicide…so we are just waiting to hear exactly what it was.

So - both funerals were at the end of July.  I was sort of numb I guess - for a little while.  I didn’t know what to feel about everything that had happened.  It all happened so fast.  I don’t remember much of the month of July.

In mid-August I went to Atlanta for work and after spending a week in Atlanta, I got to come home for 2 days (should have been 3 days but Delta cancelled my flight so I stayed an extra night), then I left for Portland and was there for a week.  Getting to and from Portland had it’s ‘anomalies’ in the flight area as well.  By the time I arrived home, I was exhausted.  Mentally, physically and emotionally drained.

Aside from the stress of travel and being away from my kids and Cap, I also spent a lot of time on the phone with my sister who was very worried about my grandmother.  She’d been having dizzy spells and confusion, trouble walking, etc.  We were all worried about her but her family doctor was telling her that it was stress and depression.  We felt it was something more - but what could we do?

We finally convinced her to see her oncologist (she’s been battling breast cancer with positive nodes for a couple of years now).   He immediately ordered and MRI and a brain tumor was found.  MRI diagnosed the tumor on Wednesday, August 29th, she had consultation with a radiologist and additional testing on Thursday.  He recommended surgery.  On Friday, we met wtih the brain surgeon and on Saturday she had surgery.  We brought her home on Wednesday, September 5.  It was another whirlwind week full of stress, worry and resentment.

Resentment.  I felt so bad feeling it.  But damnit - I was mad.  I was mad that I had to be tending to all this.  Her kids should be caring for her - and I was mad that none of them were around to do this.  This wasn’t my job.  Even knowing that she’s buried all five of her kids - I was still mad.  Then I felt guilty for feeling angry.  Aside from my grandmother having no kids to care for her, none of my 10 cousins offered any help at all.  It pisses me off.  Partly because it shouldn’t be my job and partly because we were always the outcasts.  We were always treated so poorly by grandma.  Mom, along with us were ignored at Christmases and birthdays - not all of them - but many of them.  My sister-in-law offered an explanation - that we were the ones that didn’t need them.  Makes sense - you know - Mom was always the best off, straightest arrow of the bunch - same with us kids.  Doesn’t make it fair - but might explain some of the treatment.

So - after all this - I’ve had a week and 1/2 at home.  I’ve thrown a birthday party for Miss T, planned a baby shower, got caught up at work and will have the baby shower this weekend.  Next week?  Oh - well I’m going back to Portland next week.  AAAAAHHHHH!  When will it end?!!?!?  Not when I get back because then sis will be having that baby and that promises to be interesting to say the least.

Oh - and tonight - grandma called.  The Oncologist wants to see her - possible start radiation tomorrow and grandma wants me to go withher.  So…here we go again.  I give up on having a life, time to myself or any sense of sanity.  I just give up.  Guess I’ll go with the flow…but something’s gotta give somewhere…I just don’t know what it’s gonna be.

Wish me luck…send me peaceful vibes.  I know one day I will understand all of this…why it all had to be this way.  It’s just so hard to accept when I’m in the thick of it.