Not so scared anymore…

I met  with my surgeon on Monday.  We reveiwed the ultrasound films together.  I saw my gallstone.  Just one - and it’s about 1.8 centimeters or 3/4 of an inch.  I will have my gallbladder removed in 2 weeks.  I did read over the radiologist’s report though.  He stated clearly that my other organs - pancreas, liver and kidneys were ‘unremarkable’.  YAY!  I love that word these days.  That just means basically that everything looks normal.  This was a huge relief for me!

 

Scared to Death!

Isn’t it funny how one little incident can turn your world upside down when you’ve had cancer?  I’m a wreck today.  I had that gall bladder attack last week and now I’m all worried that when they remove that sucker that they’re going to find cancer.  And not just any cancer (which is bad enough) but I’m imagining that I have pancreatic cancer!  That’s one of the worst cancers.

I feel like crying . . .

 

No news from Denver…

No news from my GYN - it was a holiday week so I’ll give a couple of extra days. If no news by Wednesday, I will call Karen…

 

Grandma

Grandma came through surgery fine. Once they got in, they discovered that the cancer had spread and they removed several nodes - some from her armpit - more than they’d anticipated. They said she’d need chemo therapy.

A cousin mentioned that she wouldn’t do chemo at that age (nearing 80). I don’t know that I would either. But Grandma is one tough broad. I can see her doing the chemo and beating and living another 20 years. Not because she’s a health nut or anything like that, but because she’s tough. If she does it, that’s the way I expect it to go.

I really don’t want to see her go through it though. As tough as she is - it would be hard on Grandpa and there’s really no one in that small little town to take care of her THEM. Grandpa will turn 80 in a couple of weeks and he’s not in the greatest health.

I pray that they have the strength they will surely need in the coming months.

 

On Cloud 9!

My appointments went well. Everything ‘looked and felt fine’ according to my oncologists. Considering each did a pelvic exam - I’m not sure how I feel about their commetns.

Seriously though - I’m happy that they didn’t find anything that seemed abnormal. Of course I have to wait for the pap results to come back (Karen will call sometime this week). If that’s normal - then I’m good for another 4 to 6 months. The GYN/ONC wanted to see me back in 4 mos. and the RAD/ONC wanted me back in 6 mos. If the pap comes back normal, I’m going to shoot for early in the 6th month for my next appointment. That would put me heading back in late November/early December which would be my 2 year anniversary of end of treatments.

Wow - 2 years. 24 months. I can’t believe where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. I absolutely thought I was doomed. I feared leaving my son with no one. I feared not getting to watch Miss T grow up. I feared so much. But now - just one and a half years later, I have so much to be grateful for. I am here for my son and my daughter. I am happy to be alive and live a different life. It’s so easy to slip back into old habits - like taking people and things for granted. So - I try. That’s all I can do.

I’m feeling so much more upbeat than I was just a short week ago. It’s amazing what a simple confirmation can do. I feel lighter, and I feel more positive about life. I’ve come to realize lately that I’ve pushed Cap away (or tried to) for some time now. I think that I was afraid to love him if I’d only have to leave him. But I’m feeling better about that - I’m thinking that it’s possible I’ll be around for many years yet and that we can grow old together - just like we’d planned. For the last two year though, I didn’t want him to love me anymore. I didn’t want to hurt him by dying. I also felt that I’d let him down - he took a risk letting me back into his heart and his life and I didn’t want to betray him. I didn’t want hugs from him, no kisses, no sex, nothing. I feel myself turning that around now. I feel like I can get close to him again - and it’s incredible!

As for my grandmother, she is having a 2nd massectomy this coming Friday, June 2. We’ll all be there for her and for Grandpa. I haven’t heard anything about the ‘cousin’ with cervical cancer - I need to call her Grandmother I guess and see how she is.

 

Signs

Hard to believe that it’s been so long since my last post here. I’m doing well so far as I know. I was supposed to be back in Denver for rechecks in April. I never got around to scheduling and then I got busy with work and didn’t want to spare the time.

I finally made my appointments today. I’m going to Denver on Friday morning. One appointment with the gynecological oncologist and one with the radiation oncologist. So I’ll get a pap and a simple consultation. I hate going. I’ve done good though about going on schedule until now…not sure why. Maybe because I hit the 1 year mark and relaxed a little. I don’t know.

What I do know is that there have been so many ’signs’ lately for me to get my ass in for a check up. First Cap’s uncle died of pancreatic cancer. It was quick once he was diagnosed. There wasn’t much time for them to do anything for him. Next my grandmother found a lump on her remaining breast. She had a mastectomy a couple of years ago. She just went to the doctor last week and the news wasn’t good. She has an appointment this Wednesday to find out more. Then I found out that my mom’s aunt’s granddaughter (let’s just call her my cousin) has cervical cancer. Apparently she went in for hysterectomy and some cells escaped and so now she is going through heavy duty chemo. I found out that an ex-neighbor’s dog had cancer and died a few months ago. There are a couple of other things…I can’t remember right now. When I think of them I’ll add them.

It’s been odd the last week - it was like I was forgetting what I’d been through and needed to be reminded. It’s amazing to me the signs that are there if we need them.

I think sis is going to go to Denver with me this time. I’m going to leave Cap home to work. It will be nice for sis and I to spend some time together - being sisters - having fun. I’ll still be scared to death - just like I am for every appointment, but no matter the outcome I will deal with it.

I still hate going to the Doctor. But hating the doctor and not going to the doctor is what’s gotten me to where I am today. GIRLS: Go to the gynecologist. Get your paps regularly. I never realized that paps were screening for cancer. I just thought they screened for infection and for STDs. If I had known would it have changed my behavior? I honestly do not know.

Pray for my grandmother.

Pray for my ‘cousin’.

Pray for me.

 

NED!

My appointments went very well on Monday. I went in for the PET/CT and of course I imagined all sorts of pains, pangs and such after being injected with the radioactive isotope. The scan was uneventful and after about 30 mintues in the machine I was sent away with the news that it would be several days until results would be read and sent to the doctor. I was so bummed! I didn’t want to worry about the results over the holiday.

Cap and I went and had breakfast, then it was off to my gynecological oncologist for my pap. That too was uneventful. Because of the holiday, results likely wouldn’t be available until next week. The appointment with my radiation oncologist wouldn’t be until 1:30 so it was off for a little shopping.

After shopping we headed back for my last appointment. As it turned out my doctor DID have the PET/CT results. He said that the ‘activity’ that had show up on my cervix in my last PET was now gone. My PET/CT was clear. He was very encouraging, telling me that now that I was out a year that my chances for beating this were better than ever. He said that in his experience most recurrances occurred in the first year, and a few in the 2nd year. He was careful to remind me that we weren’t playing by hard, fast rules though and that anything could happen.

I had been so tense. I don’t know that anyone who hasn’t been there could understand the fear and anxiety of waiting for a doctor to either give you the all clear or your death sentence. The part for me that is scariest is that I know that I cannot have pelvic radiation again. It’s a one shot thing. All that would be left for me is surgery and/or chemo. I’m scared to death of chemo.

Anyway - after a year of seeing my doctors once every 3 months we are going to change to once every 4 months. It’s such a milestone for me…sometimes I feel silly being happy about such things - but being where I’ve been - it’s incredible!

 

One year appointments

We’re leaving in a couple of hours for Denver. It’s been a year since my treatments. They ended just before Thanksgiving. Fortunately for me, I had to have a couple of units of blood about a week prior - so I was feeling good on Thanksgiving - even though I shouldn’t have been. It was a blessing - especially looking back - now that I realize it WAS my last Thanksgiving with Mom - just like I’d suspected.

My appointments are on Monday but we’re leaving today so we can do a little Christmas shopping - since Devner actually has MALLS. It will be nice to find unique items to surprise everyone with.

As usual - I’m very anxious about the PET and the pap and what their results will be. The last time I had a PET they got the scans to the Doctor right away so we were able to review during my appointment - which was only a couple of hours later. I hope that’s the case this time as well.

I also will have a pap again - and those results always take a couple of weeks. The waiting is hell and answering the call that I know is the nurse from the GYN office is one of the scariest things! I literally hold my breath until she utters the result. My first (6 mos. out) scared me to death! The results were ‘inconclusive’. That was all the nurse said on the voice mail. I didn’t know why they were ‘inconclusive’ and I didn’t want to know. I didn’t call her back to ask. At my last appointment I found out that it was ‘inconclusive’ because there hadn’t been enough cells in the sample! Whew! And my last pap was ‘normal’.

I’m very scared to find out my status - just as I am before every appointment. Will I continue my dance with NED? Or will I have to again fight for that right? Only time will tell…

 

Next appointment is coming up

I have to call Denver Docs tomorrow and make an appointment for end of November. Need to schedule a PET again this time. I always get mixed feelings about the PET scan. I love that it’s so good at detecting cancers. I hate that it’s so good at detecting cancers.

Cancer scares me. I know I need to know if it’s back - but I don’t want to know.

Haven’t read any of the ‘Dancing in Limbo’ book that I bought…got busy with the move. Need to read that! Will start it tonight assuming I can find it…

 

Dancing in Limbo

MAKING SENSE OF LIFE AFTER CANCER

The book is by Glenna Halvorson-Boyd and Lista K. Hunter

I’m anxious to read this book…I think I need it.