Mr. B Growing Up

So…my son has become a differnt person - in a very good way.  I don’t even know where to start.  He came to me many months ago - and cried because he felt guilty that he was such a butthead of a teenager and didn’t spend more time with his grandma before she passed.  We had a good talk that day.  I had given him a binder that I found in mom’s things - it was full of all the pictures he’d drawn and stories he’d written for grandma she had saved them all - and what a great gift to him.  To know and realize how much she loved him - years after she was gone.  It was several days after that that he came to me with the feelings of guilt - like she cared so much and he had let her down.  We got through it…HE got through it.

Another day he came to me and asked me if his grandpa hated him.  I told him that I didn’t think he did…that he was just lost.  I didn’t know how to explain it to him.  I told B that we could call his grandpa - that I could find the number.  He didn’t want to call - just wanted to know what I thought.  We’ve since talked about how my dad would ’sneak’ over to the daycare where B was on his lunch hour because [I assume] that his new wife wouldn’t let him do so otherwise.  Lots of little things like that…

Soon after, B seemed to grow up over-night.  He got more kind, more tolerant, more helpful, more understanding.  It was amazing - here he was at 16 and I think he understood more about himself and about life than I did when I was 16!  He has such great insight into himself.  He amazes me.

B also got on a health kick - I think it started when we saw that psychiatrist…and they diagnosed him with ADD and depression.  I believe that when that happened he wanted to change and he seemed to really strive to understand himself, his feelings, he body.  He also really enjoyed his chemistry and psychology classes at school.  I think all of these things hit him at just the right time…and so was born the new Mr. B.

He started to understand that when he felt anxious or felt like bouncing off the walls, instead of all his normal, stress out everyone in the house behavior, he realized that going for a run made him feel better.  WOW.  Can you imagine being able to listen to your body like that?  I’m still struggling with that and I’m 30-something!  He began to realize the effect that sugar had on his behavior, mood, etc.  He gave up soda and candy and sweets in general.  He turned to apples, bananas, yogurt and such.  He also developed his own workout and got really ‘buff’.  Six pack abs, sit-ups, push-ups etc.  That also helped with his mood and depression too…and I think he knew it.

These days, B still likes to hibernate in his room and play on the computer, but he also finds time to work out, box and eats fairly healthy.  B and I can both tell when he’s gotten into candy or something because some of that old-style B starts to come out, but he realizes it and he fixes it.

In November, B came to me and wanted to ‘test out’ of school.  He came home from school several days just crying - he was so miserable, bored, disgusted.  We checked into it - and being 16 he would be allowed to be ’signed out’ of school by me.  I asked him to finish the semester and that we’d sign him out for 2nd semester.  I told him he’d have to get his GED.  No waiting, no procrastinating.  You know what?  He did it!  He passed his final tests with a 3.5 GPA [equivalent] on March 5th!  YAY B!!!

He got a little discouraged on the GED thing at one point.  In just a couple of weeks in January he had completed and passed all the practice tests with flying colors.  We took all the paperwork to the college, paid the fee and he was set to take the final test at the end of January.  We found out the day before the final tests that all the practice tests he’d taken were ‘invalid’.  The particular set of tests he had taken were considered invalid as of January 1.  So…he had to retake all 6 practice tests before they would let him take the final.  He was so discouraged…he felt like he just couldn’t catch a break.  He’d worked so hard and then had to do it all again.  It was a bummer.  I had to travel a bit mid-February so I just let it go for a couple of weeks.  When I got back, we hit the practice tests again, got them done, signed up for the final and….  He passed.  I’m so proud of  that boy…

So - he had his diploma at 16.  6 days later, he turned 17.  2 days after turning 17 he comes to me and tells me he’s seeing about a job at one of his friends’ dad’s shop.  Wow…he’s such a good kid.  I hope it works out and he’s able to get a little life/job experience.  We also need to get the boy a license to drive!  He’s never really been interested…but he’s going to have to get interested…  :)  I’m sure that, like everything will happen in good time…at the right time.

So…my B has made me very proud.  He’s such a good kid, a smart kid.  I look forward to seeing what he’ll do next.

 

Am I raising my son or is he raising me?

Probably a little of both - but last night Mr. B was definitely raising me instead of me raising him.  We have this unique relationship - likely born out of my young age when I had him and all the guilt I’ve felt through the years about the lack of a decent male role model.

I often have a hard time telling him no.  I always feel that he’s so delicate and that he’s been through enough and I shouldn’t add to his stress.  I know this is wrong, I’ve always known this was wrong…it’s just such a hard thing to change after so many years.  I know it doesn’t do him any good.  He needs boundaries and I have failed to give them to him.

A couple of times in the last week the boy literally gave me permission to tell him no.  I have a bad habit - when I want to say no but don’t want to hurt him, I tend to sort of ‘feel him out’ by not directly answering his question.  If he begs or shows that it’s something that he’s going to throw a fit about I tend to make my answer the one that will make him happy.  And if he seems to not really care then I give him the answer I want to give him.

This is something I need to work on…B seems to know this too.  Last night he asked if he could run to Sonic with a friend after curfew.  I did my typical dancing around the answer and he looked and me and said “You can say no”.  So I did.  It amazes me how perceptive he is.  He really is (and has always been) wise beyond his years… 

 

I’m still here…

Life sort of took over for a while.  Or maybe it was work that took over.  Either way, I’ve been very busy - so busy that an extra 8 hours in each day would be perfect!

Miss T lost her 3rd and 4th teeth - the two top center teeth.  It’s amazing to me how much older she seems with no teeth.  She is truly growing into a beautiful person.  She is helpful and considerate and smart.  I am very proud of her.  She continues to love school, doing ‘homework’ and loves to read.  While she doesn’t read nearly as much as her Colorado cousin, she reads enough - and more than her brother ever had the patience for!

Mr. B is passing all but one class and has made a plan to pull that last grade up.  He is also taking advantage of offers of extra credit where he never did before.  He, too, is turning into a responsible and caring young man.  Today he is really upset as his best friend - the one he claims is ’the other half of his heart’ - moved to Colorado.  The kid’s mom had been going up there every weekend to see some guy and this kid had been staying with us and he lived here over spring break.  Mr. B is devastated.  I wish I could, somehow, make it all better.  I talked with his this morning and I let him stay home - he’s just crying.  I feel so bad for him!

Cap has officially been qualified as a driver.  He’s been driving off and on as needed and working preload when he’s not driving.  When he’s not driving, and after preload, he usually heads out for the day helping his dad.  Needless to say he’s been staying very busy.  It’s good for him.

Work is the same as it’s always been - just busier due to the acquisition.  There are have been many requests for reports and data.  So - I’m a little less worried now about losing my job but I suppose it is still a possibility.  Just not anytime soon.

Sis is pregnant - due end of September or early October.  I am happy for her and a little jealous.  I would have loved to have had another child with Cap, but it just wasn’t in the cards.  At least now I can have a baby to play with and then send home.  Sis seems to be turning things around a bit - she is more focused this year on her son and keeping him on a schedule.  It’s been very good for him school-wise.  I think sis just finished the first trimester so she is well on her way.

I’ve been working on the de-cluttering and have made progress - just a little - but hey - it’s progress none-the-less.  My office is clean!  The filing still needs to be done, but it’s been divided into 2 bins - one personal, one for work.

 

A Beautiful Sunday Morning

I’ve been focusing a lot on myself and my isues of late…  To catch you up on the rest of my life…

Mr. B passed all of his classes first semester.  It was amazing - we’re really proud of him.  He procrastinated and really pulled it off by the skin of his teeth.  There were a few Ds - barely passing Ds.  I’m hoping he’ll continue to improve and have an even better semester.  Oh - and he’s officially a sophmore now - half a year late - but at least he’s there. 

Miss T is doing fabulously in school - just like always.  She continues to be a model student.  She seems to struggle with the language arts - she can read and spell extrememly well.  The part she struggles with are the mechanics of writing - grammar things like nouns and writing complete sentences.  She’s awesome at math - she gets that from her Dad.  All in all I think she is doing quite well.  Miss T is also about ready to lose her top front teeth.  They’ve been loose forever - since before the holidays.  We thought for sure they’d be out by Christmas and make for some great pictures - but here it is almost February!

Cap has started driving in his new job finally - he’s trying to qualify so he can start on a route full time.  This is the worst time to try to qualify - with the weather the way it’s been.  With good weather I’m certain he could make it in no time.  For now - he’s trying really hard.  I know he’ll make it - he’ll just have to work extra hard.

I’ve been fighting a cold/the flu since Christmas Day.  I think the flu part is over - now I just wish the cold part would get better.  The extreme cold and dry air have made it very hard to get over.  I’ve felt really weak this weekend…just tired and not myself.

We got 6-8 inches of snow yesterday.  It literally snowed all day long.  It’s beautiful - and the night was so peaceful.  I love how the snow muffles sounds.  Bitsy loves loves loves the snow.  She just romps around, bounces around and burrows her nose deep into the snow.  Luckily we’ve never taken the trampoline now so she has a little area where she can go potty.

I’m off to get some laundry started.  And maybe play in the snow!

 

Catching up on life

I’ve really REALLY not been in the mood to write lately.  I’ve also not had the time to write.  October’s been a busy month.  It should slow down now…quarter is closed at work…the con call will be on Tuesday.  The following week, I will be going to PDX for a week.  YAY!

Let’s see…a quick status update on everything… 

B ended the 9 weeks with 4 Fs.  After all the work he’s done.  After all the tears, heartache and worry.  C (the youth officer) wasn’t happy with B either.  He was very disappointed.  I went to P/T conferences  even though I knew they wouldn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know given the fact that I’ve been in frequent contact with B’s teachers.   I sat and listened to each of them tell me how intelligent B is but how lazy he is when it comes to doing the work.  C ended up giving B an 8pm curfew.  It nearly killed B.  He does not like to be kept from social activities.  So - maybe this will wake him up.  C and I both told him how much we cared for him.  B is smart - I know he understands.  Hopefully he will get busy.

Miss T’s conference went fabulously - she is a stellar student.  A in math, A in reading, B in writing.  Her teacher did say that she is over-sensitive at times.  I think that this is because she is our baby.  She’s so much younger than B and she’s a girl, and she’s the only grand-daughter.  We need to toughen her up a bit. 

So - talk about a roller-coaster ride!  We went to T’s conference first and then to the HS for B’s conferences.  I was so uplifted, so proud, then I got to sit and listen to 5 different teachers how incredibly unmotivated my first born is.  It’s so draining!

Cap is finally driving for UPS - he’s on-call right now, drives as needed.  Should pick up by mid November.  And he’ll likely be driving full time through the holidays.  He enjoys it.

Grandma just finished up her last chemo treatment this week.  She made it through all 18 weeks or so with minimal sickness.

My brother was down at the beginning of October for a wedding and we got to spend time with them.  The kids had a great time.  We kept the kids for a slumber party.  They destroyed the play room, jumped on the trampoline and really enjoyed each other’s company.  I made homemade pizza and picked up some pie pans and let each of the kids make their very own pizza.  The girls went with straight cheese.  The boys opted for a little more in the way of toppings.  They each made faces - pepperoni facial features, hamburger hair and a green pepper nose.  We had G-Ma and G-Pa over too.  It was a good time for everyone.  After pizza I had the girls make cookies for us all.

Miss T has been sick off and on the last few weeks…first she complained of a sore throat - nothing ever came of it.  I even too her in for a strep screening.  So she sort of got over that, then one night out of the blue she vomitted in her sleep.  She had felt fine when she went to bed.  She felt fine when she woke so I shipper her off to school only to vomit her lunch in the lunch room.  Poor baby!  She got over that mostly, but is still not eating much.  She’s slowly getting her appetite back…

Need to get to seep for now…hopefully November will allow me more time to write…

 

YAY B!!

Today B and I met with C.  B had his progress report done.  I usually cry from frustration when we go see Chris - I almost cried today - this time out of sheer happiness and pride.  I think B may have gotten the message last week!

 

Lessons Learned

Hi “C”.

I’ve been going to email you since last night and I keep getting sidetracked!

I just wanted to let you know that ”B” is doing better this week.  He got everything done and turned in on Tuesday - he even had notes from teachers to prove it.  I think he was pretty amazed with himself.  He said - “I could have gotten that done on Friday”.  I think he and I both learned something this week.  I know that I learned that even though it’s hard to do, if I back up my words with actions we’re both better off for it.  I’m very proud of him and told him so.

I know we’re not out of the woods, but it’s a small victory!  Hopefully he will remember to get that progress report filled out for you.  I’ve reminded him a couple of times that he needs to start tomorrow.  I guess we will see…

Thanks for all your help and support.

That’s the email I sent to B’s officer.  Last week, we ended up talking to him on Friday after school.  C completely backed me up.  He told B that he supported me and that he clearly made the choice not to do the work and that correlated to him choosing to be grounded from computer for the weekend.  B didn’t realize until Sunday that it was a long weekend.  Too bad for him.  I actually stood my ground this time.  I didn’t allow B to bargain with me or talk me out of what I had said.  It felt good.  I think we both learned something this week.

I learned that if I back my words up with actions that we’re both better off for it.  It feels damn good too.  To have won, to not feel defeated.  It was incredible.  I could get addicted to this.  I feel like this was a major breakthrough!

I think B learned that I’m strong enough to stick to my word.  To not give in to him.  He knows now that I’m serious.  He’s very smart and intuitive.  I think he also respects me more for it.

I know this post seems like everything’s perfect.  This is only a small victory in this battle.  The first of many I’m sure.  So - while we did get that bright light, hallelujah moment, it was just that.  A moment.  This is only the 3rd week of school so we have a ways to go.  Progress none-the-less, and progress is good. 

WoooooT!

 

The latest on Mr. B

I told B when school started that he could stay up until 11 IF he got up on time and kept his grades up.  He got up late today - it’s been later and later everyday.  I ended up having to take Miss T to school while he finished getting ready.  I told him off computer time was changing back to 10.

I’ve been checking his assignments and he’s got a few that are missing.  I told him last night that he would have 1 week from date listed on the web for the particular assignment to get it turned in.  That week would give him time to talk to teacher or whatnot and the teacher time to pulbish grades to the web.  I think that’s more than fair. In fact, now that I think about it - that’s not going to work.  My rule is missing assignment = no computer.  No excuses.  If he turns in assignments when they’re due then there’s no need for that extra week.  End of story.  Exceptions can be made for illnesses or other unavoidables.  He’s going to hate it and it will be loud and dramatic at my house next week, but that’s just too bad.  He’s got to learn.

Here’s an email I send to his YS this morning:

Hi [C].  How are you?  I’m finally getting my schedule worked out with all the drop offs and pick ups and such.  I would like to arrange to have meetings on Wednesday afternoons - would that work for you?  What time slots are available? 

B’s attendance looks good so far.  A couple of tardies but that’s it.  He’s also done really well with his ID - taking it everyday - and hasn’t lost it yet.  He did lose 2 notebooks so far though.  He lost the first one in the first couple of days of school.  His counselor said she’s noticed a change in him and that he seems much more “up” this year - happier. B signed up for night school too - it will be Tues. and Thurs. from 345 to 545 and will earn him a missing science credit which will put him in a little better shape.  Night school starts on Sept. 12.

B had been doing well with assignments, but in the last week or so he’s been making poor choices.  He chose not to participate in an audition that is classified as a test in his improv class.  He still has missing assignments from the day he was sick (08/23).  There are several other assignments not turned in as well.  I know we gave him this month to prove himself, but it’s driving me crazy to sit by while he fails. 

He has consequences which I made well known before school started.  The rule was missing assignment = no computer until it’s turned in.  He was sick one day so I gave him some extra time.  That was the 23rd.  I’ve reminded him several times about it and he’s still doesn’t have it in.  I even gave him a print out of each class where there were missing assignments - he just leaves it laying around and doesn’t take action on it.  I told him today that Friday was it.  He refused to get out of the car this morning after I told him that.  He said do I have computer or not?  I said if your assignments are turned in by Friday and he said, “Give me the weekend to work on them.  Now do I have computer or not?”  I said if your assignments are turned in by Friday.  He said he needed the weekend because he wouldn’t have time to get them done along with other homework and have time to play computer tonight.  I said “Then you’ve got some choices to make.”  He replied, “Give me the weekend.  Do I have computer or not?”  My answer was the same and I added that he needed to get out of the van and go to class.  We went back and forth like this for a couple of minutes.  I finally told him I was not changing my mind.  He got out and slammed the door and walked toward the school.  I just found out that he did not attend his first class.  I dropped him off between 8:05 and 8:10 - so he should have been marked “tardy after ten”, but he was marked absent so I’ve got an email out to Coach Tanner to see if he showed up or not.  I’ll let you know.

I talked to his counselor and let her know about his diagnoses and asked if there was anything we could do at this point - she suggested a staffing to discuss his diagnoses with his teachers just to make them aware of his struggles and offer suggestions for how to deal with him in the classroom.

Sorry to ramble on - I just wanted to let you know what was going on.  I almost brought him to you this morning since he refused to get out of the car.  I don’t know what to do.  On the one hand he’s doing really well - remembering ID, signing up for night school, attendance, but on the other hand, he’s going to fail his classes.

Thanks and let me know about time slot for check-in each week.  If you think it would help if you saw B or talked to him this week, let me know - I’m pretty open today and tomorrow.

Thanks,

D

I don’t know where this is going…I hope he bucks up and pulls it together.  I am preparing for the worst.  I am applying at the Military Academy that I talked to last year and I am appying for a loan for such.  I refuse to go through another year like the last.  I’m not wasting time this year with ‘just one more’ chance and let’s try this and let’s try that.  It’s do or die so to speak for Mr. B.

I’ve always believed that drugs would help B.  Now that I’m really analyzing his actions and his choices, I’m not so sure.  Since his diagnosis, he’s changed many of his behaviors.  He’s learned ways to deal with some of the undesireable behaviors.  That’s great that he’s learned to manage them.  Now that I know he’s capable of controlling his behaviors to some level, I can see that there are many times when he just makes bad choices.  Like choosing to play computer instead of doing homework.  It’s nearly impossible to keep up - he can always say he doesn’t have homework.  I can’t force a pencil into his hand.  I can’t force him to keep track of his materials and turn them in on time.

What I CAN DO is change his environment.  I can limit his computer time so he has more unoccupied time that perhaps he’ll choose to use for homework.  I can offer gentle reminders, but I refuse to let him throw away his opportunity for education.

Wish us luck…?

 

Sick Kids and Stuff

B was sick yesterday - awoke achey and had a stomach ache.  I let him stay home.  I hope he gets caught up and that staying home doesn’t set him back in what he needs to accomplish this month.  He did do his photography homework yesterday afternoon once he started feeling better.  AND he took it to school with him today.  Hopefully he doesn’t forget to actually turn it in.  He forgot to turn in his collage and said that he had left it in Adam’s bag.  He did say that he talked to the teacher though and that the teacher agreed to accept it today.  So hopefully he’ll turn that in too.  B also forgot his ID today.  Luckily I asked him about it and we went back home and got it.

Miss T is sick today.  She awoke coughing and sniffling and said that her back hurt.  I hugged her and noticed she was a little warm.  She had a fever.  I gave her some meds and sent her back to bed.  Her fever’s broke now and she’s still a little stuffed up, but better I think.

 

Mr. B Update

Well - Mr. B didn’t get up early like he needed to which caused us all kinds of drama this morning.

He ended up going to the skate park last night which I think is what threw off his schedule.  I woke him at a quarter till 7 - which should have been plenty of time for him to get everything done, but he opted not to get his butt out of bed until 30 minutes later.  By then he needed to take a shower, dress, brush and such and he likes to leave here at 7:30.  Then he realized that he still hadn’t done the collage.  So he began to throw something together.

I’m watching him and am quite amused by the situation.  First he couldn’t find a marker and wanted to fuss at me about it.  I asked him what kind of marker he needed, and he got mad (I guess because I didn’t make one immediately appear in his hand) and got up and got himself a marker out of the closet.  Wow.  Then he needed a glue stick.  “Go get one,” I tell him.  He looks in the closet and can’t find one then fusses at his sister to get him one.  She got him one out of her art supply box.  He told her thank you.

While he was finishing, I went down to get a drink and make sure  Miss T was ready to go.  B finished the collage and was ready to go he was being nasty though.  Like all this crap was my fault.

Last night I told him I needed the dishwasher emptied before he left for school the next morning.  This is his new chore which he asked for so he could have some extra money for lunch each week.  No empty, no cash.  It wasn’t done and we were on our way out the door so I asked him for $1 to pay me back since now I have to empty it.  He gave me four quarters and then we were off to school.

He’s trying hard.  I know he is, but he’s having trouble managing.  I think he’s realizing that maybe his diagnosis is accurate.  I don’t think he’s ready to try the drugs yet - but he’s seeing himself in a new light - definitely.  Last week one day when he came home from school he asked if he could put the trampoline up.  I asked why and he said “I have ADD.  I need exercise.”  I think he realized after being expected to sit in a classroom all day that it is hard for him and he knows that exercise helps.

We’ll see where it goes…