Oh my HANNAH!

Finally!  A meeting in my town!!!  I’m SO there!

Thank you God!

 

Better

I feel a bit better tonight.  Maybe it was because I got some of the crap out last night.  Maybe I just needed to release it.  Maybe that’s why writing is such a great tool.

I’m going to visit my grandma and grandpa for a bit tomorrow.  Grandpa decided to put her in a nursing home on Monday.  It’s for the best I’m certain but I think it’s really difficult for grandpa.  I don’t know if she’ll get better or not…we’ll have to give her a couple of weeks and see.  I think the cancer and the treatments as well as all of the stress and pain and heartache has just taken its toll and she is done.  I really wish she would have told me stories - written the stories like I asked…she was the only window I had into my mom’s childhood.

We went to Miss T’s ‘Green’ program tonight.  They sang songs and narrated about recycling and conservation.  It was a cute program.  Of course I’d heard all the songs 100 times over the last 6 weeks…but it was nice to hear them all singing and so happy.

 

Fancy that!

Fancy seeing me here ‘eh?

It’s been a while.  Too long of a while.  So many things have happened.  Nothing life-altering.  Nothing like the summer that drained me emotionally…just things…mostly good things.

I’ve been contemplating returning to my program and to writing for several weeks now.  AND here I am.  The winning push came out of the blue, from a friend I met in OA..a fellow blogger..she just appeared on MSN one morning.  Asking how I was, what I’d been up to.  She didn’t judge and didn’t push…just a short, simple chat and was encouraging without being overly-so.

Thank you..my friend..

Thank you God for leading me back - in my own time. 
For not giving up on me when I had all but given up on myself.

 

Summer from Hell

It began lovely enough - a long weekend with the family in Colorado Springs.  We all had a pretty good time.  We spent time with my brother and his family.  We took the kids, including my niece and nephew to Santa’s Workshop and then drove up to the summit of Pikes Peak.  The kids loved it!  It was a beautiful day, a beautiful drive.  Perfect.  Every bit of the trip was great.

I had so much more to write about 2 months ago - but I didn’t write it then and now I’ve lost a lot of the detail that would have made this so much more interesting. 

Things were pretty quite into July until my late mother’s cousin went missing.  Now my mom and this cousin were particularly close.  They were sisters, best friends and family.  Mom was her rock when she went through some hard times and she was Mom’s rock as she battled her ALS.  When Mom died, I sort of wished that this cousin (I’ll call her SM) would take me under her wing and be a surrogate mother to me.  I wished to be able to call her and talk to her and tell her things like I did with Mom.  That, however, was not to be.

SM kept herself pretty busy.  Just 18 months to the day prior to Mom dying, SM had lost her husband to cancer.  She was heartbroken, and I don’t think that she ever really took the time to grieve for him.  She was so sharp - offering advice - the good, practical advice.  Unfortunately she never took her own advice.  So then Mom died, and just this summer, she lost her brother.  All these deaths and all she did was work.  She worked when she should have been grieving for her husband, when she should have been grieving for Mom, and then her brother.  Just kept herself busy with work.  I really think that she was in deep denial.

I have regrets - because I knew all of this and I never reached out to her.  I should have.  I didn’t.

None of that really has anything to do with her disappearance - but I want to set the stage.  I want to remember.  She went missing one day - just didn’t show up to work - which was unusual for this workaholic.  After about 7-10 days they found her.  In her vehicle in the corner of a truck stop.  It took a week or more to get a positive ID - they had to resort to dental records and finger prints.  Horrible.  Heartbreaking.

Shortly after learning of the positive ID, I received word that my aunt, my mom’s sister had died.  Her husband found her in her bed dead when he returned from seeing his mother who had just had a stroke.  Still no word on the cause of death, but it appears that she’d been sick and hiding it for some time - secretly suffering.  And a few days prior to her death she’d been given a prescription for antibiotics and painkillers.  At her death we discovered the scripts for the antibiotics in her purse she had never filled them - but she had filled and had been using the painkillers.  They have ruled out overdose/suicide…so we are just waiting to hear exactly what it was.

So - both funerals were at the end of July.  I was sort of numb I guess - for a little while.  I didn’t know what to feel about everything that had happened.  It all happened so fast.  I don’t remember much of the month of July.

In mid-August I went to Atlanta for work and after spending a week in Atlanta, I got to come home for 2 days (should have been 3 days but Delta cancelled my flight so I stayed an extra night), then I left for Portland and was there for a week.  Getting to and from Portland had it’s ‘anomalies’ in the flight area as well.  By the time I arrived home, I was exhausted.  Mentally, physically and emotionally drained.

Aside from the stress of travel and being away from my kids and Cap, I also spent a lot of time on the phone with my sister who was very worried about my grandmother.  She’d been having dizzy spells and confusion, trouble walking, etc.  We were all worried about her but her family doctor was telling her that it was stress and depression.  We felt it was something more - but what could we do?

We finally convinced her to see her oncologist (she’s been battling breast cancer with positive nodes for a couple of years now).   He immediately ordered and MRI and a brain tumor was found.  MRI diagnosed the tumor on Wednesday, August 29th, she had consultation with a radiologist and additional testing on Thursday.  He recommended surgery.  On Friday, we met wtih the brain surgeon and on Saturday she had surgery.  We brought her home on Wednesday, September 5.  It was another whirlwind week full of stress, worry and resentment.

Resentment.  I felt so bad feeling it.  But damnit - I was mad.  I was mad that I had to be tending to all this.  Her kids should be caring for her - and I was mad that none of them were around to do this.  This wasn’t my job.  Even knowing that she’s buried all five of her kids - I was still mad.  Then I felt guilty for feeling angry.  Aside from my grandmother having no kids to care for her, none of my 10 cousins offered any help at all.  It pisses me off.  Partly because it shouldn’t be my job and partly because we were always the outcasts.  We were always treated so poorly by grandma.  Mom, along with us were ignored at Christmases and birthdays - not all of them - but many of them.  My sister-in-law offered an explanation - that we were the ones that didn’t need them.  Makes sense - you know - Mom was always the best off, straightest arrow of the bunch - same with us kids.  Doesn’t make it fair - but might explain some of the treatment.

So - after all this - I’ve had a week and 1/2 at home.  I’ve thrown a birthday party for Miss T, planned a baby shower, got caught up at work and will have the baby shower this weekend.  Next week?  Oh - well I’m going back to Portland next week.  AAAAAHHHHH!  When will it end?!!?!?  Not when I get back because then sis will be having that baby and that promises to be interesting to say the least.

Oh - and tonight - grandma called.  The Oncologist wants to see her - possible start radiation tomorrow and grandma wants me to go withher.  So…here we go again.  I give up on having a life, time to myself or any sense of sanity.  I just give up.  Guess I’ll go with the flow…but something’s gotta give somewhere…I just don’t know what it’s gonna be.

Wish me luck…send me peaceful vibes.  I know one day I will understand all of this…why it all had to be this way.  It’s just so hard to accept when I’m in the thick of it.

 

Lost and Found

I’ve been a bit lost of late…it’s been a busy and heartbreaking summer.  I know that I need to get back to writing, back to God…

I got the following poem in email yesterday and I can’t even express how much I needed this.  It really said what I needed to hear:

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,
there will always be sunshine after the rain.

Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall,
But God’s always ready to answer your call.

He knows every heartache; He sees every tear,
A word from His lips can calm every fear.

Your sorrows may linger throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish at dawn’s early light.

The Savior is waiting somewhere above,
To give you His grace and send you His love.

Whatever your cross; Whatever your pain,
God always sends rainbows after the rain.

This really reminded me that as bad as things are or seem that I must keep moving forward.  All will be revealed - all will be understood in time.

 

Confession

As I laid awake at 4:30 this morning, I realized something about myself…

I am afraid to recover.  I am afraid to ‘get better’. 

My first experience with death was my uncle.  He died just as he seemed to be turning his life around.  His death was hard to understand.  He had just completed 90 days in rehab - a recovery of his own.  He was staying clean to the best of my knowledge, then a terrible accident took him.  It all seemed so pointless.

Over the years I came to believe that we are all here for a reason.  There are things that God wants us to learn.  When we learn our chartered lessons, God will call us home as our work here will be done.

A more poignent and recent death was that of my mother just two years ago this Thursday.  My mother had been through years of recovery (CoDA).  She was finally a strong, proud, independent woman.  She began living life for herself.  She had purged the negative in her life and confronted demons.  She finally had a job that she loved, many friends, and God.  A life to be proud of.  Then it was all destroyed by ALS.  Again I wondered what the point had been.  I wondered why God couldn’t just let her enjoy what she had worked so hard for.  Alas, it seemed to me that lessons had been learned and so God had called her home.  I accepted that her work here was done.

My grandparents on the other hand are in their 80s.  They have buried 4 of their 5 children.  My grandmother treated the 4 that are dead the worst - the one still living was always her favorite and always garnered special treatment.  Her favortism rolled down to her grandchildren and great grandchildren.  This was always difficult for me to understand as a child.  She is bitter, mean-spirited and thoughtless.  Yet she lives on and on - spewing hatred as she moves through life.  Is it that she hasn’t learned…and so she is still here?  My grandfather just sort of sits and watches - never says much of anything.  Never stands up to her…

This pattern lingers in my head and in my heart.  I’m afraid that if I learn all my lessons that I will be called home - and I don’t want to go just yet - I want to be here for my children…  I know I have much to learn…but sometimes I am secretly afraid to continue the journey.  I want to learn to be a better person - to love myself and others - to learn forgivness.  I don’t want to end up a bitter old woman…and at the same time, I’m afraid what awaits if I choose not be become the bitter old woman.

 

90:90 #2, #3, #4

I attended 3 meetings last night - quite by accident - but oh well.

The first was a BB (Big Book) study.  Having just begun reading the AABB, the meeting inspired me to read more in the book.

The second meeting last night was a special ‘Newcomers’ meeting - Q&A session.

I just HAD to go to the third, because I wanted a regular meeting!  The third meeting was a standard meeting and focused on Step 11:  Sought throught prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact with got as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

One thing I’ve realized through my recovery thus far is that I tend to ‘forget’ to go to God.  I still find myself occassionally trying to go it alone…and this is when I get into trouble!  :)  Even when I struggle I tend to try to make it better all by myself.  It’s hard for me to remember that God is out there for me…with an open hand.  All I have to do is go to him…

God, 
Please help me to remember the loving guidance you offer…
and help me to know your will for me.
Amen

 

I’m BAAAAaaaCK!

Wow.  Life has been busy.  Just the warm weather and school coming to an end I suppose.

After my last post was Mother’s Day weekend - the 2nd without my mom.  It’s been hard - mother’s day then memorial day and the 14th will be 2 years since she died.  It’s just a hard, stressful time of year for me.  Cap and Miss T really took care of me this year - I got a hammock - where I can lay and sun myself and read.  B got me a mini rosebush which I replanted into a large pot on the patio. 

After Mother’s Day weekend, I went to Portland for work for a week.  When I returned, we spent an entire weekend building a playhouse for Miss T.  Check it out - it’s very cool…Cap’s done a great job.  We’re not done yet - we have windows and doors to put in.  Then the finishing touches - indoor walls and a window box for flowers and a mailbox!

Let’s see - the next weekend was Memorial Day weekend.  My brother was in town with his kids so we spent a lot of time just hanging out outside while the cousins all climbed trees, rode bikes and played with water guns and balloons.  It was nice - his wife didn’t come and Cap was out of town helping move his grandparents back from New Mexico.  So it was just my brother, sister and I along with out kids.  That made the weekend sort of special for it to be just us.  On Monday we went to my Grandmother’s house for Memorial Day lunch and of course the ceremony at the cemetary.

This weekend was the Children’s bike parade for ‘Beef Empire Days’, the Christian concert in the park.  Miss T spent the night with grandpa and grandma so I spent the day catching up on emails and blogs and the like.  I had a lot of catching up to do.

Next weekend will be busy with the rodeo, parade and carnival.  There will also be a trip to Wichita for a couple of appointments for sis - including a sonogram this week.  Should be interesting.   Since the kids are out of school, we’ll be taking them along and have promised them lunch at Chuck E. Cheese.  Work promises to be busy this week as well since it’s month-end and I have tons of reporting to do.

Oh - I also finished reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom.  GREAT BOOK and a great following to Tuesday’s with Morrie which was also a great book.  I ordered another of his books - For One More Day - which should arrive any day now. I can hardly wait!  I also ordered some daily meditation books - one is More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Regarding my program - I haven’t done a single thing!  I’ve been bad, but I’m trying to be good again.  :)  Many thanks to my friendly Food Fairy for not forgetting me - for giving me inspiration as well as the push that I needed to get busy again.  I have committed to her that I will find a sponsor by the end of this week!  I’ve got a couple on the line…

And to Dodi - thank you for your offer of sponsorship.  I appreciate that you would be willing to do this.

 

Trusting God

So I *tried* to go to the CoDA meeting last night.  I called the guy earlier this week, found out where and what time and such.  When I arrived at the church, all the doors were locked.  I had seen some people going into the church when I was about a block away.  I tried all the doors.  No one came and opened them.  So I left.

When I drove away, I felt so defeated.  I was also angry at God - with tears in my eyes, I asked him why he was keeping me from this meeting.  I asked him why He didn’t want me to get well.  As I drove, a memory came to mind…and I understood.

When my mother was working her own recovery, she attended this group.  I even attended with her on many occassions as I first started to realize my own codependency.  The leader of the group at the time, a minister at the Lutheran church, was transferred.  Mom was discouraged, but continued to attend.  I moved to another city shortly after.  Soon after, Mom stopped attending the meeting alltogether.

I recalled the answering machine tape we found in mom’s things.  It was a creepy message from this creep that attended the same group that she did.  She was very frightened by the tape and had labeled it, dated it and sealed it in an envelope.  Mom had a good idea who it was, but there wasn’t a way to prove it so she simply stashed it away in case she ever needed it.

The man that she suspected?  He is now the leader/coordinator of the group I tried to attend last night.  I never put it all together until I found those church doors locked and asked God why.  God gave me the answer that I asked for.  I immediately felt a sense of peace and safety.  I am reminded once again that God really does know what He’s doing and that I need to learn to trust in Him more gracefully.

Thank you, God for your guidance last night,
for keeping me safe and for gently reminding
me that must trust in you…  Amen

 

Step Work: Miscellaneous Q&A

 STEP ONE: 
We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

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What have I tried to lose weight?  God knows I’ve tried to fix these things in the past, with many different mainstream diet plans/clubs/books/makeovers.  Each time I was met with failure.  I was plucking the dandelion, only to see another pop up, over and over again.  I never dug up the root…  I know, now, and believe in my heart that God can do for me what I cannot do for myself.  No plan, no club, no book and no makeover.  I am convinced that OA and God hold the key - not to losing weight - but to healing my hurts, which is what I really need.

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What foods give me trouble - what do I binge on?  Sugar and breakfast foods. I believe that I was on the right track by eliminating sugar in my initial food plan.  Sugar is a biggie for me and it has been the constant comfort and struggle throughout my life.

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How do I use food to escape life’s problems?  

From a very early age, I learned food to be comfort.  One of my earliest and bestest memories is getting to stay up late to wait for Mom to come home after a late shift at the hospital.  When she got home, we made popcorn and as the corn was popping, we  warmed our hands on the lid of the popper.  It was one on one time with my mom.  It was special.  When we moved from the east coast, mom started a day care.  This was her job - but among other things, that woman cooked all the time.  Three meals a day, plus she had to feed the kids a snack, so every day after school, there was always a snack waiting for us.  At home I was safe and there was always food.  Home = safe.  Home = food.  Safe = food. 

I supposed now, since mom died, I view food as a connection to her.  She taught me to cook.  We spent many hours baking and cooking - those were our special times.  We didn’t spend special time bike riding or hiking or sewing or reading or writing or coloring.  Our special times revolved around food.  Not always, but more often than not.

When my uncle died in ‘87, we were all sad and people brought us food.  So we sat around, mourning for a week and eating.  People brought us food to make us feel better.  They didn’t give us a shoulder to cry on, they didn’t sit down and talk to us about how we were feeling.  They just brought food - and lots of it.  People did this every time someone died.  So I guess, as a youngster, it was easy to make a correlation - when you’re sad you should eat a lot of food.  I don’t think I ever conciously made that connection, but sub-conciously I certainly did.

So if food can make you happy when you’re sad, then it can probably make you happy when you’re mad too.  Hell - food just makes me happy.  So - as a child I learned that food = happiness and for that reason, what better way to escape feeling anything but happy.

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These Step Work topics courtesy of “The Twelve-Step Workbook of Overeaters Anonymous”