You are right.

Whether you think you can or you think you can’t; you are right.  –Henry Ford

I thought quote was appropriate for where I’m at right now.  I am back, climbing my way back up onto ‘the wagon’.  There is finally a face to face meeting where I live.  I am so grateful for that.  I’ve been attending 2 meetings a week since mid-May.  It’s been good.  There are only a handful of people in the group but it’s still good.  We each have varying degrees of experience with 12-step programs, so we compliment one another well.

With the start of a new quarter, there is a new ‘Working the Steps’ study group that I am participating in online.  This is only week one, studying step one.  Tonight I did the assignment - it was telling.  I found myself writing things and coming to new realizations that I’ve never made prior.  I had forgotten the power of writing.  I need to use this tool - for me it is very powerful.

I have two sponsors now - one for step work and one for food plan - I imagine they will cross over and that is fine.  One is online one is face to face.  I’m excited about beginning my journey again…

God,
Tonight I am grateful
for the opportunity
to begin this journey
again and tonight
I pray only for willingness…

 

Taking a break from OA because…

…I am a failure.  Or at least I feel like one.  I was to be abstinent and I was to have completed my 90 meetings in 90 days last week.  But - I failed.

I heard something the other day - that if someone in recovery can’t pinpoint their ‘turning point’ that they are destined to fail.  Do you think that’s true?  I haven’t really hit a ‘bottom’ and I can’t really pinpoint my pivot.  I just want to get healthy - but I guess I don’t want it bad enough, or I’m lazy or something.  I don’t know…

What I do know is that OA is the key - or more specifically me and my HP are the key.  I have this disease that will never get better until I commit myself fully to working my program.  I can’t do that right now - or maybe right now is exactly when I need to do it.  I don’t know…but for now OA is on the back burner and I  am going to concentrate on just taking care of myself for now.  Maybe it will all fall into place…someday.

 

90:90 #6

I’m a little behind because we were out of town for 4 days this past weekend…but I’m back and getting busy again!

Meeting topic tonight was Step 12:  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Even though it’s the 12th step and I’m on the 4th, I’m trying to do this even now.  I’m trying to apply my OA program to my life in general.  One aspect is all about setting boundaries.  I’ve been doing that a lot lately - for myself as well as for others - as I delve deeper into the program and as I begin to believe more in myself…

I have 2 kids, a full time job, a home, a husband, etc.  Sometimes I just can’t find or don’t find the time to spend on my program.  I always feel bad and probably feel a bit of resentment at all of my responsibilities.  I struggle to do things for ME.  Doing these 90 meetings in 90 days is really helping me to focus on my program.  It’s also allowing me to not feel guilty about giving myself time working my program.  My daughter looked at me tonight like I was crazy when I told her I was doing a meeting and that I would talk with her in an hour.  I deserve this time.  I am worth a mere hour a day.  All of the responsibilities will be there when the hour is over.  My daughter will still have a question and the dishes will still need to be done.  I just have to remember that I love myself enough to give myself this time.

Thank you God for showing me that I
am worth more than I’ve ever believed.

 

Confession

As I laid awake at 4:30 this morning, I realized something about myself…

I am afraid to recover.  I am afraid to ‘get better’. 

My first experience with death was my uncle.  He died just as he seemed to be turning his life around.  His death was hard to understand.  He had just completed 90 days in rehab - a recovery of his own.  He was staying clean to the best of my knowledge, then a terrible accident took him.  It all seemed so pointless.

Over the years I came to believe that we are all here for a reason.  There are things that God wants us to learn.  When we learn our chartered lessons, God will call us home as our work here will be done.

A more poignent and recent death was that of my mother just two years ago this Thursday.  My mother had been through years of recovery (CoDA).  She was finally a strong, proud, independent woman.  She began living life for herself.  She had purged the negative in her life and confronted demons.  She finally had a job that she loved, many friends, and God.  A life to be proud of.  Then it was all destroyed by ALS.  Again I wondered what the point had been.  I wondered why God couldn’t just let her enjoy what she had worked so hard for.  Alas, it seemed to me that lessons had been learned and so God had called her home.  I accepted that her work here was done.

My grandparents on the other hand are in their 80s.  They have buried 4 of their 5 children.  My grandmother treated the 4 that are dead the worst - the one still living was always her favorite and always garnered special treatment.  Her favortism rolled down to her grandchildren and great grandchildren.  This was always difficult for me to understand as a child.  She is bitter, mean-spirited and thoughtless.  Yet she lives on and on - spewing hatred as she moves through life.  Is it that she hasn’t learned…and so she is still here?  My grandfather just sort of sits and watches - never says much of anything.  Never stands up to her…

This pattern lingers in my head and in my heart.  I’m afraid that if I learn all my lessons that I will be called home - and I don’t want to go just yet - I want to be here for my children…  I know I have much to learn…but sometimes I am secretly afraid to continue the journey.  I want to learn to be a better person - to love myself and others - to learn forgivness.  I don’t want to end up a bitter old woman…and at the same time, I’m afraid what awaits if I choose not be become the bitter old woman.

 

90:90 #5

Another meeting today… :)  YAY me!

Today’s meeting was awesome!  It was just one of those meetings chock full of great shares.  I had so many thoughts while attending, but now that I’m here to reflect I can’t remember a thing!  i’m going to have to start taking notes!  The meeting today was Step 11 again…prayer and meditation.

I don’t know how to meditate…other than my daily meditation readings and occassional reflecting that I do.  That’s all fine and good, but I’m going to try to meditate daily - the quiet, no distractions, exploring self sort of meditation.  I’m researching on the internet this evening.  I love Google!

 

90:90 #2, #3, #4

I attended 3 meetings last night - quite by accident - but oh well.

The first was a BB (Big Book) study.  Having just begun reading the AABB, the meeting inspired me to read more in the book.

The second meeting last night was a special ‘Newcomers’ meeting - Q&A session.

I just HAD to go to the third, because I wanted a regular meeting!  The third meeting was a standard meeting and focused on Step 11:  Sought throught prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact with got as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

One thing I’ve realized through my recovery thus far is that I tend to ‘forget’ to go to God.  I still find myself occassionally trying to go it alone…and this is when I get into trouble!  :)  Even when I struggle I tend to try to make it better all by myself.  It’s hard for me to remember that God is out there for me…with an open hand.  All I have to do is go to him…

God, 
Please help me to remember the loving guidance you offer…
and help me to know your will for me.
Amen

 

A New Day in My Recovery

• I finally have a sponsor!  YAY! 
• I am recommitted to my food plan.
• I am going to do 90 meetings in 90 days.
• I am beginning my 4th Step.
• I am working on an assignment from my sponsor.
• I have a stack of OA related books to read.
• I have the AA ‘Big Book’ and it’s the first on my list.
• I am participating in email sharing and trying to be a good buddy.
• I am beginning to feel at peace again.

Thank you God…

 

90:90 #1

I’ve decided to *try* to do 90 meetings in 90 days.  I think I need it, I think it will be good for me.  I was reading a book today and the author’s opinion that meetings are one of the most important tools.  It makes sense to me that if I can get to 90 in 90 then I will be much more focused and engaged on a daily basis in my recovery.  I need that - I’m such an ADD scatter-brain these days!  Only time will tell if I can do it! 

The topic this evening is Step 10:  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

While I’m only just beginning Step 4, it fit since the 4th is about taking our inventory.  As always it doesn’t really matter what the topic is - or if I’m there yet.  I always get something out of a meeting.

In thinking tonight about Step 4 and Step 10, I realized that I have been naturally progressing to Step 4 for some time.  I did a bit of sharing here on this blog about past relationships - and while I wasn’t completely focused on my inventory or Step 4 at the time, I did some searching and sharing and understanding of self naturally.  It makes me feel good to believe that I’m on the right track - without even trying.  It gives me so much faith in myself and how I am working in my recovery and faith in this program.

I am looking forward to exploring myself completely and giving it all to God…and being able to take my inventory everyday and giving it to God everyday.

 

I’m BAAAAaaaCK!

Wow.  Life has been busy.  Just the warm weather and school coming to an end I suppose.

After my last post was Mother’s Day weekend - the 2nd without my mom.  It’s been hard - mother’s day then memorial day and the 14th will be 2 years since she died.  It’s just a hard, stressful time of year for me.  Cap and Miss T really took care of me this year - I got a hammock - where I can lay and sun myself and read.  B got me a mini rosebush which I replanted into a large pot on the patio. 

After Mother’s Day weekend, I went to Portland for work for a week.  When I returned, we spent an entire weekend building a playhouse for Miss T.  Check it out - it’s very cool…Cap’s done a great job.  We’re not done yet - we have windows and doors to put in.  Then the finishing touches - indoor walls and a window box for flowers and a mailbox!

Let’s see - the next weekend was Memorial Day weekend.  My brother was in town with his kids so we spent a lot of time just hanging out outside while the cousins all climbed trees, rode bikes and played with water guns and balloons.  It was nice - his wife didn’t come and Cap was out of town helping move his grandparents back from New Mexico.  So it was just my brother, sister and I along with out kids.  That made the weekend sort of special for it to be just us.  On Monday we went to my Grandmother’s house for Memorial Day lunch and of course the ceremony at the cemetary.

This weekend was the Children’s bike parade for ‘Beef Empire Days’, the Christian concert in the park.  Miss T spent the night with grandpa and grandma so I spent the day catching up on emails and blogs and the like.  I had a lot of catching up to do.

Next weekend will be busy with the rodeo, parade and carnival.  There will also be a trip to Wichita for a couple of appointments for sis - including a sonogram this week.  Should be interesting.   Since the kids are out of school, we’ll be taking them along and have promised them lunch at Chuck E. Cheese.  Work promises to be busy this week as well since it’s month-end and I have tons of reporting to do.

Oh - I also finished reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom.  GREAT BOOK and a great following to Tuesday’s with Morrie which was also a great book.  I ordered another of his books - For One More Day - which should arrive any day now. I can hardly wait!  I also ordered some daily meditation books - one is More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Regarding my program - I haven’t done a single thing!  I’ve been bad, but I’m trying to be good again.  :)  Many thanks to my friendly Food Fairy for not forgetting me - for giving me inspiration as well as the push that I needed to get busy again.  I have committed to her that I will find a sponsor by the end of this week!  I’ve got a couple on the line…

And to Dodi - thank you for your offer of sponsorship.  I appreciate that you would be willing to do this.

 

Trusting God

So I *tried* to go to the CoDA meeting last night.  I called the guy earlier this week, found out where and what time and such.  When I arrived at the church, all the doors were locked.  I had seen some people going into the church when I was about a block away.  I tried all the doors.  No one came and opened them.  So I left.

When I drove away, I felt so defeated.  I was also angry at God - with tears in my eyes, I asked him why he was keeping me from this meeting.  I asked him why He didn’t want me to get well.  As I drove, a memory came to mind…and I understood.

When my mother was working her own recovery, she attended this group.  I even attended with her on many occassions as I first started to realize my own codependency.  The leader of the group at the time, a minister at the Lutheran church, was transferred.  Mom was discouraged, but continued to attend.  I moved to another city shortly after.  Soon after, Mom stopped attending the meeting alltogether.

I recalled the answering machine tape we found in mom’s things.  It was a creepy message from this creep that attended the same group that she did.  She was very frightened by the tape and had labeled it, dated it and sealed it in an envelope.  Mom had a good idea who it was, but there wasn’t a way to prove it so she simply stashed it away in case she ever needed it.

The man that she suspected?  He is now the leader/coordinator of the group I tried to attend last night.  I never put it all together until I found those church doors locked and asked God why.  God gave me the answer that I asked for.  I immediately felt a sense of peace and safety.  I am reminded once again that God really does know what He’s doing and that I need to learn to trust in Him more gracefully.

Thank you, God for your guidance last night,
for keeping me safe and for gently reminding
me that must trust in you…  Amen