So yeah…I’m here. I’m having such a horrible time in my life. Nothing specific - I’m just not happy with myself. I often find myself wondering what the hell my problem is. Why can’t I just do this thing? Why can’t I get healthy? Why do I continually choose not to heal heart, my mind, my body?
I find myself asking myself if I’m trying to kill myself or give myself a heart attack! I constantly wonder when/if I’m going to hit bottom. When will I get that mega slap in the face that will wake me from this stupor and jump start my desire to heal? When (if ever) will I like myself again? Am I just lazy or do I really believe that I’m not worthy? When will I love myself enough to allow myself all that I deserve?
I’ve actually considered to try drinking instead of eating…how fucked up is that? I’ve actually considered it - that it would be easier or healthier to be an alcoholic than a food addict. You see how sick I am??? It’s crazy. And it’s not just that - it’s everything…family drama, family illnesses, you name a problem - I’ve probably got it.
I’m so confused, unhappy, angry…stressed. All the time. Rarely happy. I need a hobby, I need a friend…BAD. I have no one in this forsaken town. There’s not even a meeting for me to go to… There’s no one to talk to… sometimes I feel like quitting my job and waiting tables or something…just for the socialization.
I’ve considered that it’s this town - but that’s not it. I mean - it’s a sucky place to live - but a move is not going to change me…if I truly want to change I need to overcome all the outside influences - I know that.
So…that’s it…I’m just so fucked up I don’t know where to go, what to do…I feel like I’m drowning…suffocating…
