Whether you think you can or you think you can’t; you are right.  –Henry Ford

I thought quote was appropriate for where I’m at right now.  I am back, climbing my way back up onto ‘the wagon’.  There is finally a face to face meeting where I live.  I am so grateful for that.  I’ve been attending 2 meetings a week since mid-May.  It’s been good.  There are only a handful of people in the group but it’s still good.  We each have varying degrees of experience with 12-step programs, so we compliment one another well.

With the start of a new quarter, there is a new ‘Working the Steps’ study group that I am participating in online.  This is only week one, studying step one.  Tonight I did the assignment - it was telling.  I found myself writing things and coming to new realizations that I’ve never made prior.  I had forgotten the power of writing.  I need to use this tool - for me it is very powerful.

I have two sponsors now - one for step work and one for food plan - I imagine they will cross over and that is fine.  One is online one is face to face.  I’m excited about beginning my journey again…

God,
Tonight I am grateful
for the opportunity
to begin this journey
again and tonight
I pray only for willingness…

Finally!  A meeting in my town!!!  I’m SO there!

Thank you God!

So…my son has become a differnt person - in a very good way.  I don’t even know where to start.  He came to me many months ago - and cried because he felt guilty that he was such a butthead of a teenager and didn’t spend more time with his grandma before she passed.  We had a good talk that day.  I had given him a binder that I found in mom’s things - it was full of all the pictures he’d drawn and stories he’d written for grandma she had saved them all - and what a great gift to him.  To know and realize how much she loved him - years after she was gone.  It was several days after that that he came to me with the feelings of guilt - like she cared so much and he had let her down.  We got through it…HE got through it.

Another day he came to me and asked me if his grandpa hated him.  I told him that I didn’t think he did…that he was just lost.  I didn’t know how to explain it to him.  I told B that we could call his grandpa - that I could find the number.  He didn’t want to call - just wanted to know what I thought.  We’ve since talked about how my dad would ’sneak’ over to the daycare where B was on his lunch hour because [I assume] that his new wife wouldn’t let him do so otherwise.  Lots of little things like that…

Soon after, B seemed to grow up over-night.  He got more kind, more tolerant, more helpful, more understanding.  It was amazing - here he was at 16 and I think he understood more about himself and about life than I did when I was 16!  He has such great insight into himself.  He amazes me.

B also got on a health kick - I think it started when we saw that psychiatrist…and they diagnosed him with ADD and depression.  I believe that when that happened he wanted to change and he seemed to really strive to understand himself, his feelings, he body.  He also really enjoyed his chemistry and psychology classes at school.  I think all of these things hit him at just the right time…and so was born the new Mr. B.

He started to understand that when he felt anxious or felt like bouncing off the walls, instead of all his normal, stress out everyone in the house behavior, he realized that going for a run made him feel better.  WOW.  Can you imagine being able to listen to your body like that?  I’m still struggling with that and I’m 30-something!  He began to realize the effect that sugar had on his behavior, mood, etc.  He gave up soda and candy and sweets in general.  He turned to apples, bananas, yogurt and such.  He also developed his own workout and got really ‘buff’.  Six pack abs, sit-ups, push-ups etc.  That also helped with his mood and depression too…and I think he knew it.

These days, B still likes to hibernate in his room and play on the computer, but he also finds time to work out, box and eats fairly healthy.  B and I can both tell when he’s gotten into candy or something because some of that old-style B starts to come out, but he realizes it and he fixes it.

In November, B came to me and wanted to ‘test out’ of school.  He came home from school several days just crying - he was so miserable, bored, disgusted.  We checked into it - and being 16 he would be allowed to be ’signed out’ of school by me.  I asked him to finish the semester and that we’d sign him out for 2nd semester.  I told him he’d have to get his GED.  No waiting, no procrastinating.  You know what?  He did it!  He passed his final tests with a 3.5 GPA [equivalent] on March 5th!  YAY B!!!

He got a little discouraged on the GED thing at one point.  In just a couple of weeks in January he had completed and passed all the practice tests with flying colors.  We took all the paperwork to the college, paid the fee and he was set to take the final test at the end of January.  We found out the day before the final tests that all the practice tests he’d taken were ‘invalid’.  The particular set of tests he had taken were considered invalid as of January 1.  So…he had to retake all 6 practice tests before they would let him take the final.  He was so discouraged…he felt like he just couldn’t catch a break.  He’d worked so hard and then had to do it all again.  It was a bummer.  I had to travel a bit mid-February so I just let it go for a couple of weeks.  When I got back, we hit the practice tests again, got them done, signed up for the final and….  He passed.  I’m so proud of  that boy…

So - he had his diploma at 16.  6 days later, he turned 17.  2 days after turning 17 he comes to me and tells me he’s seeing about a job at one of his friends’ dad’s shop.  Wow…he’s such a good kid.  I hope it works out and he’s able to get a little life/job experience.  We also need to get the boy a license to drive!  He’s never really been interested…but he’s going to have to get interested…  :)  I’m sure that, like everything will happen in good time…at the right time.

So…my B has made me very proud.  He’s such a good kid, a smart kid.  I look forward to seeing what he’ll do next.

I feel a bit better tonight.  Maybe it was because I got some of the crap out last night.  Maybe I just needed to release it.  Maybe that’s why writing is such a great tool.

I’m going to visit my grandma and grandpa for a bit tomorrow.  Grandpa decided to put her in a nursing home on Monday.  It’s for the best I’m certain but I think it’s really difficult for grandpa.  I don’t know if she’ll get better or not…we’ll have to give her a couple of weeks and see.  I think the cancer and the treatments as well as all of the stress and pain and heartache has just taken its toll and she is done.  I really wish she would have told me stories - written the stories like I asked…she was the only window I had into my mom’s childhood.

We went to Miss T’s ‘Green’ program tonight.  They sang songs and narrated about recycling and conservation.  It was a cute program.  Of course I’d heard all the songs 100 times over the last 6 weeks…but it was nice to hear them all singing and so happy.

So yeah…I’m here.  I’m having such a horrible time in my life.  Nothing specific - I’m just not happy with myself.  I often find myself wondering what the hell my problem is.  Why can’t I just do this thing?  Why can’t I get healthy?  Why do I continually choose not to heal heart, my mind, my body?

I find myself asking myself if I’m trying to kill myself or give myself a heart attack!  I constantly wonder when/if I’m going to hit bottom.  When will I get that mega slap in the face that will wake me from this stupor and jump start my desire to heal?  When (if ever) will I like myself again?  Am I just lazy or do I really believe that I’m not worthy?  When will I love myself enough to allow myself all that I deserve?

I’ve actually considered to try drinking instead of eating…how fucked up is that?  I’ve actually considered it - that it would be easier or healthier to be an alcoholic than a food addict.  You see how sick I am???  It’s crazy.  And it’s not just that - it’s everything…family drama, family illnesses, you name a problem - I’ve probably got it. 

I’m so confused, unhappy, angry…stressed.  All the time.  Rarely happy.  I need a hobby, I need a friend…BAD.  I have no one in this forsaken town.  There’s not even a meeting for me to go to…  There’s no one to talk to…  sometimes I feel like quitting my job and waiting tables or something…just for the socialization.

I’ve considered that it’s this town - but that’s not it.  I mean - it’s a sucky place to live - but a move is not going to change me…if I truly want to change I need to overcome all the outside influences - I know that. 

So…that’s it…I’m just so fucked up I don’t know where to go, what to do…I feel like I’m drowning…suffocating…

Fancy seeing me here ‘eh?

It’s been a while.  Too long of a while.  So many things have happened.  Nothing life-altering.  Nothing like the summer that drained me emotionally…just things…mostly good things.

I’ve been contemplating returning to my program and to writing for several weeks now.  AND here I am.  The winning push came out of the blue, from a friend I met in OA..a fellow blogger..she just appeared on MSN one morning.  Asking how I was, what I’d been up to.  She didn’t judge and didn’t push…just a short, simple chat and was encouraging without being overly-so.

Thank you..my friend..

Thank you God for leading me back - in my own time. 
For not giving up on me when I had all but given up on myself.

It began lovely enough - a long weekend with the family in Colorado Springs.  We all had a pretty good time.  We spent time with my brother and his family.  We took the kids, including my niece and nephew to Santa’s Workshop and then drove up to the summit of Pikes Peak.  The kids loved it!  It was a beautiful day, a beautiful drive.  Perfect.  Every bit of the trip was great.

I had so much more to write about 2 months ago - but I didn’t write it then and now I’ve lost a lot of the detail that would have made this so much more interesting. 

Things were pretty quite into July until my late mother’s cousin went missing.  Now my mom and this cousin were particularly close.  They were sisters, best friends and family.  Mom was her rock when she went through some hard times and she was Mom’s rock as she battled her ALS.  When Mom died, I sort of wished that this cousin (I’ll call her SM) would take me under her wing and be a surrogate mother to me.  I wished to be able to call her and talk to her and tell her things like I did with Mom.  That, however, was not to be.

SM kept herself pretty busy.  Just 18 months to the day prior to Mom dying, SM had lost her husband to cancer.  She was heartbroken, and I don’t think that she ever really took the time to grieve for him.  She was so sharp - offering advice - the good, practical advice.  Unfortunately she never took her own advice.  So then Mom died, and just this summer, she lost her brother.  All these deaths and all she did was work.  She worked when she should have been grieving for her husband, when she should have been grieving for Mom, and then her brother.  Just kept herself busy with work.  I really think that she was in deep denial.

I have regrets - because I knew all of this and I never reached out to her.  I should have.  I didn’t.

None of that really has anything to do with her disappearance - but I want to set the stage.  I want to remember.  She went missing one day - just didn’t show up to work - which was unusual for this workaholic.  After about 7-10 days they found her.  In her vehicle in the corner of a truck stop.  It took a week or more to get a positive ID - they had to resort to dental records and finger prints.  Horrible.  Heartbreaking.

Shortly after learning of the positive ID, I received word that my aunt, my mom’s sister had died.  Her husband found her in her bed dead when he returned from seeing his mother who had just had a stroke.  Still no word on the cause of death, but it appears that she’d been sick and hiding it for some time - secretly suffering.  And a few days prior to her death she’d been given a prescription for antibiotics and painkillers.  At her death we discovered the scripts for the antibiotics in her purse she had never filled them - but she had filled and had been using the painkillers.  They have ruled out overdose/suicide…so we are just waiting to hear exactly what it was.

So - both funerals were at the end of July.  I was sort of numb I guess - for a little while.  I didn’t know what to feel about everything that had happened.  It all happened so fast.  I don’t remember much of the month of July.

In mid-August I went to Atlanta for work and after spending a week in Atlanta, I got to come home for 2 days (should have been 3 days but Delta cancelled my flight so I stayed an extra night), then I left for Portland and was there for a week.  Getting to and from Portland had it’s ‘anomalies’ in the flight area as well.  By the time I arrived home, I was exhausted.  Mentally, physically and emotionally drained.

Aside from the stress of travel and being away from my kids and Cap, I also spent a lot of time on the phone with my sister who was very worried about my grandmother.  She’d been having dizzy spells and confusion, trouble walking, etc.  We were all worried about her but her family doctor was telling her that it was stress and depression.  We felt it was something more - but what could we do?

We finally convinced her to see her oncologist (she’s been battling breast cancer with positive nodes for a couple of years now).   He immediately ordered and MRI and a brain tumor was found.  MRI diagnosed the tumor on Wednesday, August 29th, she had consultation with a radiologist and additional testing on Thursday.  He recommended surgery.  On Friday, we met wtih the brain surgeon and on Saturday she had surgery.  We brought her home on Wednesday, September 5.  It was another whirlwind week full of stress, worry and resentment.

Resentment.  I felt so bad feeling it.  But damnit - I was mad.  I was mad that I had to be tending to all this.  Her kids should be caring for her - and I was mad that none of them were around to do this.  This wasn’t my job.  Even knowing that she’s buried all five of her kids - I was still mad.  Then I felt guilty for feeling angry.  Aside from my grandmother having no kids to care for her, none of my 10 cousins offered any help at all.  It pisses me off.  Partly because it shouldn’t be my job and partly because we were always the outcasts.  We were always treated so poorly by grandma.  Mom, along with us were ignored at Christmases and birthdays - not all of them - but many of them.  My sister-in-law offered an explanation - that we were the ones that didn’t need them.  Makes sense - you know - Mom was always the best off, straightest arrow of the bunch - same with us kids.  Doesn’t make it fair - but might explain some of the treatment.

So - after all this - I’ve had a week and 1/2 at home.  I’ve thrown a birthday party for Miss T, planned a baby shower, got caught up at work and will have the baby shower this weekend.  Next week?  Oh - well I’m going back to Portland next week.  AAAAAHHHHH!  When will it end?!!?!?  Not when I get back because then sis will be having that baby and that promises to be interesting to say the least.

Oh - and tonight - grandma called.  The Oncologist wants to see her - possible start radiation tomorrow and grandma wants me to go withher.  So…here we go again.  I give up on having a life, time to myself or any sense of sanity.  I just give up.  Guess I’ll go with the flow…but something’s gotta give somewhere…I just don’t know what it’s gonna be.

Wish me luck…send me peaceful vibes.  I know one day I will understand all of this…why it all had to be this way.  It’s just so hard to accept when I’m in the thick of it.

…I am a failure.  Or at least I feel like one.  I was to be abstinent and I was to have completed my 90 meetings in 90 days last week.  But - I failed.

I heard something the other day - that if someone in recovery can’t pinpoint their ‘turning point’ that they are destined to fail.  Do you think that’s true?  I haven’t really hit a ‘bottom’ and I can’t really pinpoint my pivot.  I just want to get healthy - but I guess I don’t want it bad enough, or I’m lazy or something.  I don’t know…

What I do know is that OA is the key - or more specifically me and my HP are the key.  I have this disease that will never get better until I commit myself fully to working my program.  I can’t do that right now - or maybe right now is exactly when I need to do it.  I don’t know…but for now OA is on the back burner and I  am going to concentrate on just taking care of myself for now.  Maybe it will all fall into place…someday.

I’ve been a bit lost of late…it’s been a busy and heartbreaking summer.  I know that I need to get back to writing, back to God…

I got the following poem in email yesterday and I can’t even express how much I needed this.  It really said what I needed to hear:

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,
there will always be sunshine after the rain.

Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall,
But God’s always ready to answer your call.

He knows every heartache; He sees every tear,
A word from His lips can calm every fear.

Your sorrows may linger throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish at dawn’s early light.

The Savior is waiting somewhere above,
To give you His grace and send you His love.

Whatever your cross; Whatever your pain,
God always sends rainbows after the rain.

This really reminded me that as bad as things are or seem that I must keep moving forward.  All will be revealed - all will be understood in time.

I’m a little behind because we were out of town for 4 days this past weekend…but I’m back and getting busy again!

Meeting topic tonight was Step 12:  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Even though it’s the 12th step and I’m on the 4th, I’m trying to do this even now.  I’m trying to apply my OA program to my life in general.  One aspect is all about setting boundaries.  I’ve been doing that a lot lately - for myself as well as for others - as I delve deeper into the program and as I begin to believe more in myself…

I have 2 kids, a full time job, a home, a husband, etc.  Sometimes I just can’t find or don’t find the time to spend on my program.  I always feel bad and probably feel a bit of resentment at all of my responsibilities.  I struggle to do things for ME.  Doing these 90 meetings in 90 days is really helping me to focus on my program.  It’s also allowing me to not feel guilty about giving myself time working my program.  My daughter looked at me tonight like I was crazy when I told her I was doing a meeting and that I would talk with her in an hour.  I deserve this time.  I am worth a mere hour a day.  All of the responsibilities will be there when the hour is over.  My daughter will still have a question and the dishes will still need to be done.  I just have to remember that I love myself enough to give myself this time.

Thank you God for showing me that I
am worth more than I’ve ever believed.