Confession

As I laid awake at 4:30 this morning, I realized something about myself…

I am afraid to recover.  I am afraid to ‘get better’. 

My first experience with death was my uncle.  He died just as he seemed to be turning his life around.  His death was hard to understand.  He had just completed 90 days in rehab - a recovery of his own.  He was staying clean to the best of my knowledge, then a terrible accident took him.  It all seemed so pointless.

Over the years I came to believe that we are all here for a reason.  There are things that God wants us to learn.  When we learn our chartered lessons, God will call us home as our work here will be done.

A more poignent and recent death was that of my mother just two years ago this Thursday.  My mother had been through years of recovery (CoDA).  She was finally a strong, proud, independent woman.  She began living life for herself.  She had purged the negative in her life and confronted demons.  She finally had a job that she loved, many friends, and God.  A life to be proud of.  Then it was all destroyed by ALS.  Again I wondered what the point had been.  I wondered why God couldn’t just let her enjoy what she had worked so hard for.  Alas, it seemed to me that lessons had been learned and so God had called her home.  I accepted that her work here was done.

My grandparents on the other hand are in their 80s.  They have buried 4 of their 5 children.  My grandmother treated the 4 that are dead the worst - the one still living was always her favorite and always garnered special treatment.  Her favortism rolled down to her grandchildren and great grandchildren.  This was always difficult for me to understand as a child.  She is bitter, mean-spirited and thoughtless.  Yet she lives on and on - spewing hatred as she moves through life.  Is it that she hasn’t learned…and so she is still here?  My grandfather just sort of sits and watches - never says much of anything.  Never stands up to her…

This pattern lingers in my head and in my heart.  I’m afraid that if I learn all my lessons that I will be called home - and I don’t want to go just yet - I want to be here for my children…  I know I have much to learn…but sometimes I am secretly afraid to continue the journey.  I want to learn to be a better person - to love myself and others - to learn forgivness.  I don’t want to end up a bitter old woman…and at the same time, I’m afraid what awaits if I choose not be become the bitter old woman.

 

90:90 #5

Another meeting today… :)  YAY me!

Today’s meeting was awesome!  It was just one of those meetings chock full of great shares.  I had so many thoughts while attending, but now that I’m here to reflect I can’t remember a thing!  i’m going to have to start taking notes!  The meeting today was Step 11 again…prayer and meditation.

I don’t know how to meditate…other than my daily meditation readings and occassional reflecting that I do.  That’s all fine and good, but I’m going to try to meditate daily - the quiet, no distractions, exploring self sort of meditation.  I’m researching on the internet this evening.  I love Google!

 

90:90 #2, #3, #4

I attended 3 meetings last night - quite by accident - but oh well.

The first was a BB (Big Book) study.  Having just begun reading the AABB, the meeting inspired me to read more in the book.

The second meeting last night was a special ‘Newcomers’ meeting - Q&A session.

I just HAD to go to the third, because I wanted a regular meeting!  The third meeting was a standard meeting and focused on Step 11:  Sought throught prayer and meditation to improve our concious contact with got as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

One thing I’ve realized through my recovery thus far is that I tend to ‘forget’ to go to God.  I still find myself occassionally trying to go it alone…and this is when I get into trouble!  :)  Even when I struggle I tend to try to make it better all by myself.  It’s hard for me to remember that God is out there for me…with an open hand.  All I have to do is go to him…

God, 
Please help me to remember the loving guidance you offer…
and help me to know your will for me.
Amen

 

A New Day in My Recovery

• I finally have a sponsor!  YAY! 
• I am recommitted to my food plan.
• I am going to do 90 meetings in 90 days.
• I am beginning my 4th Step.
• I am working on an assignment from my sponsor.
• I have a stack of OA related books to read.
• I have the AA ‘Big Book’ and it’s the first on my list.
• I am participating in email sharing and trying to be a good buddy.
• I am beginning to feel at peace again.

Thank you God…

 

90:90 #1

I’ve decided to *try* to do 90 meetings in 90 days.  I think I need it, I think it will be good for me.  I was reading a book today and the author’s opinion that meetings are one of the most important tools.  It makes sense to me that if I can get to 90 in 90 then I will be much more focused and engaged on a daily basis in my recovery.  I need that - I’m such an ADD scatter-brain these days!  Only time will tell if I can do it! 

The topic this evening is Step 10:  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

While I’m only just beginning Step 4, it fit since the 4th is about taking our inventory.  As always it doesn’t really matter what the topic is - or if I’m there yet.  I always get something out of a meeting.

In thinking tonight about Step 4 and Step 10, I realized that I have been naturally progressing to Step 4 for some time.  I did a bit of sharing here on this blog about past relationships - and while I wasn’t completely focused on my inventory or Step 4 at the time, I did some searching and sharing and understanding of self naturally.  It makes me feel good to believe that I’m on the right track - without even trying.  It gives me so much faith in myself and how I am working in my recovery and faith in this program.

I am looking forward to exploring myself completely and giving it all to God…and being able to take my inventory everyday and giving it to God everyday.

 

I’m BAAAAaaaCK!

Wow.  Life has been busy.  Just the warm weather and school coming to an end I suppose.

After my last post was Mother’s Day weekend - the 2nd without my mom.  It’s been hard - mother’s day then memorial day and the 14th will be 2 years since she died.  It’s just a hard, stressful time of year for me.  Cap and Miss T really took care of me this year - I got a hammock - where I can lay and sun myself and read.  B got me a mini rosebush which I replanted into a large pot on the patio. 

After Mother’s Day weekend, I went to Portland for work for a week.  When I returned, we spent an entire weekend building a playhouse for Miss T.  Check it out - it’s very cool…Cap’s done a great job.  We’re not done yet - we have windows and doors to put in.  Then the finishing touches - indoor walls and a window box for flowers and a mailbox!

Let’s see - the next weekend was Memorial Day weekend.  My brother was in town with his kids so we spent a lot of time just hanging out outside while the cousins all climbed trees, rode bikes and played with water guns and balloons.  It was nice - his wife didn’t come and Cap was out of town helping move his grandparents back from New Mexico.  So it was just my brother, sister and I along with out kids.  That made the weekend sort of special for it to be just us.  On Monday we went to my Grandmother’s house for Memorial Day lunch and of course the ceremony at the cemetary.

This weekend was the Children’s bike parade for ‘Beef Empire Days’, the Christian concert in the park.  Miss T spent the night with grandpa and grandma so I spent the day catching up on emails and blogs and the like.  I had a lot of catching up to do.

Next weekend will be busy with the rodeo, parade and carnival.  There will also be a trip to Wichita for a couple of appointments for sis - including a sonogram this week.  Should be interesting.   Since the kids are out of school, we’ll be taking them along and have promised them lunch at Chuck E. Cheese.  Work promises to be busy this week as well since it’s month-end and I have tons of reporting to do.

Oh - I also finished reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom.  GREAT BOOK and a great following to Tuesday’s with Morrie which was also a great book.  I ordered another of his books - For One More Day - which should arrive any day now. I can hardly wait!  I also ordered some daily meditation books - one is More Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Regarding my program - I haven’t done a single thing!  I’ve been bad, but I’m trying to be good again.  :)  Many thanks to my friendly Food Fairy for not forgetting me - for giving me inspiration as well as the push that I needed to get busy again.  I have committed to her that I will find a sponsor by the end of this week!  I’ve got a couple on the line…

And to Dodi - thank you for your offer of sponsorship.  I appreciate that you would be willing to do this.

 

Trusting God

So I *tried* to go to the CoDA meeting last night.  I called the guy earlier this week, found out where and what time and such.  When I arrived at the church, all the doors were locked.  I had seen some people going into the church when I was about a block away.  I tried all the doors.  No one came and opened them.  So I left.

When I drove away, I felt so defeated.  I was also angry at God - with tears in my eyes, I asked him why he was keeping me from this meeting.  I asked him why He didn’t want me to get well.  As I drove, a memory came to mind…and I understood.

When my mother was working her own recovery, she attended this group.  I even attended with her on many occassions as I first started to realize my own codependency.  The leader of the group at the time, a minister at the Lutheran church, was transferred.  Mom was discouraged, but continued to attend.  I moved to another city shortly after.  Soon after, Mom stopped attending the meeting alltogether.

I recalled the answering machine tape we found in mom’s things.  It was a creepy message from this creep that attended the same group that she did.  She was very frightened by the tape and had labeled it, dated it and sealed it in an envelope.  Mom had a good idea who it was, but there wasn’t a way to prove it so she simply stashed it away in case she ever needed it.

The man that she suspected?  He is now the leader/coordinator of the group I tried to attend last night.  I never put it all together until I found those church doors locked and asked God why.  God gave me the answer that I asked for.  I immediately felt a sense of peace and safety.  I am reminded once again that God really does know what He’s doing and that I need to learn to trust in Him more gracefully.

Thank you, God for your guidance last night,
for keeping me safe and for gently reminding
me that must trust in you…  Amen

 

HEY! I’m going to a live meeting!

It’s not an OA meeting, but it’s a 12-step meeting for codependents and adult children.  I have to do something.  I’m feeling really icky about myself.  Am I just lazy?  Am I scared to move on?  Should I try an AA meeting?  I’m considering it.  Maybe going to an AA meeting would give me some perspective on addiction, on working a program.  Why couldn’t I have an AA sponsor?

Charlie wrote something in his blog this week about “…God slowly revealing the real me.”  That passage really spoke to me - I’ve been thinking about the real ME since I read Charlie’s entry and it scares me to death.  I don’t know who I am.  I don’t even know if I want to know…  I’ve hidden for so long…not sure why.  But even before I hid behind the weight, I was hiding myself.  I guess I’ve never really felt confident in my body (not without a drink anyway) or in my personality (again not without a drink).  I bend over backwards for people (in real life and at work) so they will tell me how wonderful I am and I can feel good briefly.  I hide behind my weight, my clothes, my work, other people.  Why do I do this?  What is there that I want no one to see?  I can’t be that bad.  Can I?

This is worth exploring…I’ll sleep on it.  I’ll ask God to lead me…

 

Am I raising my son or is he raising me?

Probably a little of both - but last night Mr. B was definitely raising me instead of me raising him.  We have this unique relationship - likely born out of my young age when I had him and all the guilt I’ve felt through the years about the lack of a decent male role model.

I often have a hard time telling him no.  I always feel that he’s so delicate and that he’s been through enough and I shouldn’t add to his stress.  I know this is wrong, I’ve always known this was wrong…it’s just such a hard thing to change after so many years.  I know it doesn’t do him any good.  He needs boundaries and I have failed to give them to him.

A couple of times in the last week the boy literally gave me permission to tell him no.  I have a bad habit - when I want to say no but don’t want to hurt him, I tend to sort of ‘feel him out’ by not directly answering his question.  If he begs or shows that it’s something that he’s going to throw a fit about I tend to make my answer the one that will make him happy.  And if he seems to not really care then I give him the answer I want to give him.

This is something I need to work on…B seems to know this too.  Last night he asked if he could run to Sonic with a friend after curfew.  I did my typical dancing around the answer and he looked and me and said “You can say no”.  So I did.  It amazes me how perceptive he is.  He really is (and has always been) wise beyond his years… 

 

Overheard

You know that song…  “Juke Box Hero”?  Last night in the car, it was on and I listened to Miss T sing along…

“Juice Box Hero…”

She cracks me up!